Thoughtful consumption.

Have you ever sat back and wondered... just thought about the possibilities.. the chances you mistook the lies you told, the people you deceived just to be something.. someone.. come out somewhere... have you wished so hard you could change the hands of time, back just a little to replace the insolence, the false pretense of the memories you fight so hard to keep?

Have you ever smiled and looked over you're shoulder knowing that the walk in closet you have to hold your skeletons was never.. deep enough... and yet you still cram the secrets known only to you, the memories you wish to in close in a vault to never escape to never be, ever again..

And Yet we still fight to hold on to what we could lose.. What matters least the insignificant things... The thises and thats that consume our morality......

Did you ever realize you take for granted the things that you knew you shouldn't... then when you're struggling.. wondering if there will be another meal... will there be another moment in which you no longer have to worry if theres enough to feed them and you, to make it just till the next check comes.... have you ever wondered.. what it would be like... to live the American dream?

And there are children who fight to be excepted in society who struggle to be something instead of nothing yet the irony of it is society can't except the way it's made itself.. and that it is nothing instead of something and the conformity is the tragedy and the non conformist are the ones who will come out on top and not rely on what society tells them...

Have you ever thought you were a robot nothing more then a worthless piece of machine set to do whatever master commanded of you... you can't think for yourself you only feel what you're "supposed" to feel and in the end you are still a hunk of metal who's only purpose is to do what the big man said.....

And those dreams you once had meant nothing, never would. You know.. When they said you could be anything, they Lied.. it was just a way to make people feel like they had some importance in life, when, you don't.....

Amounting to nothing is probably the best you could amount to in a world so screwed up... Running from demons, who only wish to posses the conscience mind and inform it.. there is no silver lining so stop wasting time in a building hoping some damn God will make life better.

Or the thoughts that flutter the human emotion that makes us all babbling fools.. The Wants.. No NEEDS that consume us, without it we are pathetic meaningless functions that can't compute the simplest of ideas... The others have that home which we seek in something no someone else.. to make us whole to complete the circle that was never meant to be completed.

When will we realize there will never be a "home" A place you can relax and forget all the insecurities, ..home is in the mind of the processor.. the mind that runs a million miles an hour.. the one you can never escape and therefore will never escape reality and the false ideal home in which we endlessly want, but we can never escape the memories, we can move to the end of the earth and still... something or someone will remind us of what we were running from in the first place.

And still we wonder.... if only, we had that once chance, we took that one path, we made that one decision, none of it would be like this.... And instead of blaming ourselves we blame a false insecurity that thing we call God.... We make excuses for why our lives are so distraught but never once, could we suck up the pride and admit it was our fault...

So on and so forth, the battle strives to have a reason.. a excuse to make it okay... will we ever be ok will we have have the memories we wanted to keep or will everything be lost....

We've made this life the way it is.... Love will never be what it once was that innocence, that feeling of unbelievable emotion... That security.. it will always be a need.... it will always be insecure, there will always be pain.... be it in memories, or in present.. there will always be fights and musunderstandisngs... love will never be perfect... love will never be what it once was...

If only... we could change the hands of time...

..

none descriptive mortality of illness and deceit....
life of willing to be blasphemous...

I've been in Brandon for the majority of a few weeks... I have a new Boyfriend and made some amazing friends.... I've done things normally I'd be to scared to do, I've taken steps and moved on... I've given up and gave in.. and fought all in the mist of a short span that's throwing my life into a spiral...

The residents of this Small Two bedroom apartment are John and Shawn... John being my BF and Shawn being a new very good friend of mine and Johns good friend.... I've been offered a place to live and as trails may have it my reluctance stands in the way of me ever accomplishing anything cause we all know the trails I've had with myself about Texas. So I've ignored it and went about, I want to get a Job here but I'm reluctant once again, but I know if I'm home I'll never accomplish a damn thing, besides, I really like it here in Brandon. It brings me closer to some other friends as well.

But heres the battle I am always in, I feel horribly unwanted by him, the new BF. Maybe it's my insecurities, but it seems as I'm here just because, I serve no real purpose to him, I am but a mere little doll that sits and is pretty, nothing more. Just a girl to take the place of what was lost, till something better comes along. And yes, this is honestly how I feel. Again it's probably just me, but with the past I've had it seems to happen a lot. So now I'm left here wondering, should I just pack and leave? Or wait and see? I'm tired of the game called love.. which only ends in hurt, I'm ready to start this thing called life, and I'd love to have someone at my side....... I can't read him and it pisses me off.. I seem like a needy child ... and sometimes I wonder if I'm good for anyone.., I wonder if I'm good enough or I'll ever make someone happy.....

Not to mention the fact I feel unattractive to him.... so I don't know.... sometimes I wish I'd get hey you're beautiful... it's just weird things.. or you look good today.. something... I dont know... meows..... le sigh...

I dont know,

....

liar
deceitful
little
cunt

Afraid of falling..

Is it weird..
that I am scared..
no.. terrified..
of falling for you?

Is it okay..
that my heart races..
and I shiver... when you look at me..
that..
way..

you know where your eyes caress my body..
that smile plays on your lips.
and I'm left shuddering at the will of emotion?

The playful banter.. the want.
is it ok.. to desire this?

Falling so helplessly
to the beat of your heart.
My body surrenders..
I'm lost.
in the simplicity
of your soul.

surrender.
to this.

The will that consumes..
the innocence still hidden within..
the time of devious illusions.
the lust of purity.
non existence...

is it ok... to be timid.
the meekness of a child.
the crimson caress to the flesh.
never like this..
not for them..
but you..

you seem different.
you made me feel alive,
feel emotions I thought I lost.

and Oddly, I'm growing found.
of this boyie.. I desire.
but still so scared..

of Falling..

for you.

/Fin
Kitten.
S.C

Release.

She passed soundly... looking at the clock..... it would be hours before.... before she could. She wasn't sure, she was scared, but she knew it was for the best... she knew.. she needed this.

The pent up emotions played on her daily life, she snapped at the people closest to her. She ignored calls and avoiding conversations. Her memories vivid, she couldn't escape the web she carefully designed, the one she learned to hide all her secrets, her tears, her anger in. The one that was slowly destroying her.

Sitting down she curled up, a sigh escaping her lips. Her eyes closing for a moment as she thought, she was very new to all this, opening up was never an option in the past. She had to hide, had to keep secrets, crying wasn't allowed. It wasn't! And as she moved into this new life the habits of the past haunted her.

But he had had enough. He was tired of the lies, tired of her hiding away. He was tired of the shortness in her responses. He was done. It was time. He had been calm and understanding with her at first, but he was tired of putting effort into someone that wouldn't except it.. He was taking it into his own hands this time... He was going to give her the release she needed... and there was no way she was running this time.

"Eight" he said dryly on the other end.. Her pause annoyed him. "Eight, Do you understand?"
"yessir" Came her meek answer, he wished she was a little more confident, he wished she wasn't like this.
"Good" with that said the phone clicked and she was left with the emptiness, the silence, unsure of what was to be, but knew it wasn't going to be likable.

The door left open as he asked, he slipped in noticing the curled up cat-like girl asleep on the couch, he was late, just a tad bit, but that was his plan. He wanted to make her impatient, he wanted her to squirm and wonder. He wanted her mind to be overwhelmed with all possibilities. It seemed his plan had failed. Asleep, and probably so for hours, she wouldn't even know he was late and the effect he wanted now ruined. Annoyed he went to the room to prepare.

Softly he caressed her cheek his fingers weaving through her hair, whispering into her ear. "Wake up." slowly and surely she stretched out and opened her eyes. Sitting up quickly looking down her hands in her lap as she tried to sit "proper" for her sir. He gave a half smile and proceeded to lecture her about falling asleep instead of waiting for him. How she could have been doing many things; Chores, writing, homework, etc. None of which was done, but he expected that. He knew her mind well enough to realize the worry and the curiosity would be all that drove her today.
Glancing at the clock she whimpered, "You're late."
He gave her a weird look thinking carefully as he choose his words. "I'm allowed to be. Leave it at that." He knew she'd ask why.. he admired her curiosity she got the answer she wanted and wouldn't let it go unless she understood, it was a blessing and a curse and god it pissed him off.
"Up" was all he said and walked off she followed wondering, he was being rather short with her today and she hated it. Once in the room he sat down on the chair grabbing her wrist and in one slick movement she was over his lap and pinned down, the spanking starting before she even had time to comprehend what was happening. A gasp escaping followed by a few protests as he slid down the skirt and panties to give her the proper spanking.
Protesting and complaining all the while her legs kicking she was getting annoyed. He hadn't spanked her before without her ever knowing and she was a little upset. Tired of her games he rose his voice.. "Be still and knock off the bullshit little girl, I mean it!" He was usually calm and soft spoken with her, never raising his voice, doing so scared her. She stiffened up and quieted down. The only sounds now were whimpers from the sting that was slowly rising. He continued hitting harder and faster now, he would get it out of her.. no matter how long it took. Her stubbornness would only hold out for a bit.

The tears slowly fell but she fought it back. She took what she had to take her mind trying to escape the building pain, she could ignore his hand for the most part, she had many times. She breathed heavily as she chocked back on her tears. She could succeed, or so she thought. He thrust her up off his lap to a standing position and pointed to the corner, she complied and waited.

Determined as he was he grabbed the cane."Come." He commanded. She saw the implement and stopped. "Come I said!" His voice rose again sending shudders through her body. She refused to move, he knew she didn't like it he knew she wouldn't come near him. It wasn't happening.
His patience wearing he walked to her and grabbed her softly pushing her down on the bed cuffing her hands, she wasn't going to move. "Don't make me get the ankle cuffs, it wont be so bad, I promise." He gave her the first swat. She cried out in pain and struggled against the restraints but she knew as well as he they wouldn't come lose.
He proceeded to lecture her about her attitude, about how she's been. He told her he was tired of the lies and tired of her hiding her emotions from him. That from now on, she would write a journal entry each night before her bed time filling in thoughts and emotions and they would be discussed the next night. She would no longer hide anything from him. His words filled her in between the cries of pain. She could feel it building, the release. The pain filling her and his words knocking down those walls. She felt horrible for her actions, she never meant to be that way. Never.

Finally she could no longer take it the pain filled her and she was overwhelmed. She began to cry in great bouts. Releasing all the pent up frustration, the fears, the sadness. He rubbed her bottom for a few moments before releasing her and scooping up the crying mess. Pressing her to his chest snuggling and kissing her head. Whispers dancing into her ears, it would be ok. He caressed and petted her telling her it would be fine, he was there and wasn't going anywhere.

She cried herself to sleep and he smiled. Hard lessons need to be learned. He wasn't about to let her destroy herself. Those emotions were no good to be confined. It would be ok.




Meow... I need a release so bad.... This might be crappy but I JUST wrote it.. so give me credit.... I feel like I'll never get the release I need, I can't cry. And talking doesn't help.. the problems will still be there.. and without a clear head I'm scared I'll make choices and decisions I really don't mean or want. Meows.....

destruction.

escaping.. disfunctional... repression.. illusion ..desires ...it's not that it's ok or that it will be it's not that she's needy.. it's she tired of feeling so lonely.. so unwanted... undesired.. unloved....

it never ceases.. the pain continues the loneliness is overwhelming but the tears wont fall.. I just am at the end of what I can deal with anymore..... I can't seem to get it out of my head I'll never be good enough... I never have for my parents and it doesnt seem I ever will.. and I'm never ever good enough to be someones..... ever... I'll be alone forever it seems. Nothings changed as much as I've tried as much as I've pushed and told myself it's ok it will get better.. it hasn't.. what do I have here why am I staying here....?

I have a friend who's pushed me aside cause he's found someone more worthwhile then spending time with me.. and when he does he yells at me.....
I have someone I care for that will never be mine and it's a silly bullshit thought to even pursue anything out of it....
and memories which are killing me everything I breath... I'm slowly dying here... and continuing to smile those fake fucking smiles!
I've been single over a year... I've dated oh god, have I dated and I am NEVER EVER good enough! for anyone! Nothing I do... Nothing..... why doesn't anyone want me? Why am I only good for bullshit!
What is wrong with me.. that I'm not material enough to be someones...... meows...

Am I going to have to except that I am never going to be good enough? I'm never going to be what someone wants? am I just a fuck up?.... What's wrong with me..?

My mind is troubled with so many things and on top of it.. I'm not even sure what keeps me here in florida should I leave for Texas? I have a place to live to VERY supportive friends... I could start over...

I don't know what to do... I just know.. I'm tired..

oh
so
very....

tired.......

This isn't me...

I sometimes feel.. as if I am not myself.. as if It's like I'm out of body looking on at myself.... the trauma and tragedies that have consumed my life take over my body and make me seem like I am not the one experiencing it...

I don't think I could explain it anymore..... I feel as the time draws nearer and nearer... I'm remembering more, anytime the name "causeway" comes up I cringe and "fade" off.. looking out the window, as it if was that night.. as it it was happening.. again.......

It's almost been a year.. and healing.. is hard... especially when the violation of one.. turned into someone you thought you could trust... continuing.. like it was a nightmare passed on from one to another to eternally destroy.. the girl......

It was almost a year ago when I was raped, a fault of mine for being so careless and pretending like I didn't care what happened to me, and at the time, I really.. didn't....until it happened....then my world and attitude shifted, maybe it was one of those everything happens for a reason "lessons" to get me out of the destructive path I was set on... or maybe it was another sick ploy to amuse this said "God" because he was bored that night.

It was a struggle to get home, a thought of helplessness, and a finally giving in.....and the memories of the night even at this moment are blurry and hard to figure out........I just remember falling out of the truck and sitting in the sand for a moment almost in a zombie like state trying to clean myself of the vile that was poured into my body......... then blanking out.. till I woke the morning next... I was home, I was in bed.. I was in the same clothes as the night before.. I was safe... for the most part.. I was home, but the way there, I don't remember, the conversatation I don't remember, I don't know anything....

so this journal was trigged more so by Chris.. Teasing me that I had multiple personalities.. and as he meant it for a joke.. I kinda sat back a little and stared at him, saying.."maybe you're right."

Another look from him and the conversatation was over... before it even began... but it stuck in my head... could this explain why I don't remember half the events the people, the feelings the things.... that's happened in my life.. infact if I didn't write half it down.. I wouldn't remember shit. Could it be that I go away and someone else takes over? It's funny to think about.. it's funny to try and think about it.. I just am not sure..

so as the days draw closer, and the memories are more vivid.. I wonder if I'll be o k .