Update.. thoughts... tragidies..

I haven't written in forever.. and for this I am sorry.. So much has happened so many thoughts have filled my head and i have tried to make sense of everything..

basically i'm working a lot... i have my own apartment now with L.J...
I got hurt at work and now have a fracture in my back but I continue to go to work everyday... I try.. that's for sure...
My relationship with my parents is basically none exsistant and I suppose that's ok.. My grandmother tells me shes proud of me daily for the most part or when she can..

My Relationship with L.J. is complicated... its both miserable and frustrating as well as wonderful... he's taught me a lot and I've grown up a lot.. but i've also changed and i'm not so sure I am found of that... I'm not the same person i was a few months ago and i guess that scares me..
He is hard to be around he is severly bipolar has ptsd he screams a lot and makes me feel like shit.. i work full time while he sits at home and plays video games cause hes on disability but expects me to do everything and I can not I am only one person. He makes a lot of comments.. and he destroys me sometimes.. i feel weird or feel like I'm just here and i'm not even sure I'm in love with him... i'm just here and it works.. I guess.......

I dont know.. i'm just trying to make it threw life right now..,

confused and distraught.. i just want to be happy..

Lost...

a simple object of affection. Or is it Infection? A disease so terribly unwilled into the deepest darkest locked room willed away from all those who could aknowledge the thoughts of someone so pure hearted and lost.

It's been a while I suppose a lot's happened since I've updated.. And then not so much..
Working for wal-mart has been an experience in it's own that's for sure. I enjoy it for the most part some things are stressful but I enjoy interacting with the others and it gives me a bit of a social life I haven't had since I was in highschool. I like the regulars who always try and make me smile. And I like the feeling when someone tells me I've been a huge help or I work well. I've gotten Fast. Granted I've made a few mistakes, mostly miner anyone can make.. it happens I can't be perfect all the time. I'm coming up on my 90 days soon. So hopefully I get to keep my job. I do work hard. :nods:

Home life is interesting. It's Shawn, LJ and I living here. I've managed to get a Bed and some small things here and there I'm still working on things but it's really hard. I don't make much and it seems like every paycheck doesn't go far.. For example I got paid 520 thursday I now have 15 dollars in my account.. and I'm behind on the internet bill. Between LJ and I we make 1600 a month.. that's really not much.. at all. He gets food stamps which helps to a degree but heres how the bills look, 400 for rent, 100 for insurance, 150 for internet/cable ( we choose that bill to pay instead of electric) about 300 a month in gas, 150 or so in food plus food stamps. His phone. and then misc. Things like my car lately has needed so much work.. so we are pretty much not doing awsome.. but meh.

I Think I'm happy... I don't know.. it's hard.. He;s on SSI he was in the Army he has a lot of mental problems like anxiety and depression, he gets mad at me sometimes, we don't have sex and that doesn't bother me so much in all honesty.. it's more the fact of I want attention I want to be kissed meh, I just I donno ::shrugs:: I want to be spoiled and treated like I'm more of a girlfriend then just a girl he shares his room with.. you know?

I dont have friends right now. Chris and I no longer talk much. LJ hates him and I'm really disappointed in him for the most part. I miss him but I guess it happens.

LJ says he wants to be with me for a long time, I've known him since I was ten so it's been ten years, we've had such seperate lives I wonder if it will work..

I feel so lost..

and I don't know what to do..

I really need some friends... bad.

Updates.

It's truly been awhile since I've updated.

Life is busy.. Very much so.. I spend my days With L.J. I'm growing up a lot and learning each day.
I work currently at Wal-Mart in Valrico, FL. Or Brandon I suppose. I'm a Cashier in the Garden Center full time, and I actually enjoy it.. It's fun I work with a lot of awesome people I get along well with one of the managers so it's not all that bad.

Starting to get my room together just got a bed.. been getting small things here and there... I need some clothes badly... ::shrugs:: been down here and there but for the most part I'm happy....

other then that theres nothing els I'll work on details later... but I'm alive and well..

^0^

Story of the prodigies

imperative repercussions....decipher the ability to dream in a more apparent faze that is in fact reality.

Life, the way it works is an amazing work of art.. each stroke proceeds to complete a perfect painting that in the eyes is beautiful.. life is beautiful... very much so.. when we can see through the dark clouds that over shadow everything.

Recently I've almost lost everything and in some small blessing I managed to keep it.. and be blessed with the most unbelievable friends any one could ever ask for.. and I realized this while we were in the car together going to the mall...... It's said if you have one very good friend you're doing better then the majority of people in the world.. well I have about six.. they would do anything for me as I would for them and we all get along... so we are all a huge group of amazing friends who take care of one another. We are truly blessed. I think it's true when they say god made friends to make up for family.

So I will be spending my Days in Valrico with these amazing people. I should be starting work soon which i'm excited and scared about at the same time, but I know I can do it. Or atleast I'll do my best :nods: We got a new roommate too ^0^ Someone I've known since I was a little girl.. he dated my older sister when I was about Ten.. we started talking again and when things went bad at his place Shawn and I agreed to go get him to get him out of there for a bit so we did :nods: Shawn and him hit it off really well... so now he's here. He's safe we will never let anything bad happen to him I know I wont, I'll do everything in my power to make sure he's ok and safe... :nods:

Adoration is an interesting factor... life takes a path and irony swirls around like a mad illness, how is it that things like this can happen? Is it truly fact that everything happens for a reason, is it odd that paths cross like this? I wonder... and can't wait to see..

for now I am safe I am happy.. I have love.. I have friendship I have more then I could ever have wished for,....

thank you,.

Decipher the Stars the never ending Reality.

Delusion.. absence of purity in a mindset so jumbled by uncertainties. A distance well traveled in the shoes of what seems to be a timid girl, she crawls underneath for she fears the desires that consume her body.

convulsion of the mind. Decipher what is reality, and just fantasy, a disembodied memory to pacify the demons that lurk inside the heart. bleeding in temptation.

Longing for emotion, a caress, anything that proves that she is just as mortal as the next soul near her.
Remembrance of a time when smiles filled the air, twirling to the beat of a rapid cord, the melody so intoxicating, so invigorating.

Lullaby.. surrender... choose the path laid so eloquently before the eyes that burn rapidly, a wisdom untold in a child....
her heart breaths..
just a moment..

quiet.
The innocence of the girl, her eyes, they never ever lie. Her dreams so fulfilled in deepest recognition.. the time slows..
complete.
stop.

One foot in front of the other...
further, you seek what lies in darkness.
The shadows that tell a story so morbidly beautiful.
Thar not even the purest can turn away, but are lured in my the insanities that trial the mind.
Why.
whispers tickle her ear and shiver runs down the spin circling it till it reaches the heart.. then pulls...
yanking..
yearning..
to rip out the piece that makes us.. just like them....

bodies, intertwined...Passionate.. alluring, lustful incredibility.
Faster.
liquid, dripping.
Mixing.
One.. becoming one..
one being who's mind is lost in ecstasy.

Timidly...her eyes search for the moment...
when she knows.. she will be...
his.

suffocating.

I'm suffocating ... I'm lost and hurting, and hiding from the world..

My life has spiraled and I want structure more then anything right now.. I crave it I need it.. oh god.. I do..

The past month or so has been a hectic whirlwind of Drama, nonsense and pain.. more so then I'd ever care to have... And I'm so numb.

I came to brandon to get my Car fixed... Car is fixed but at a huge price...
One is me getting hurt from a lying asshole...... but I'm stupid and naive so I guess it happens....
Another is I was kicked out.. or more or less my shit was packed when I returned home so I took it and left...... then my mother called me and screamed at me because how dare I come take my shit while they weren't there...

I've been "disowned" Apparently.. So whatever..

I also can NOT go to school.. atleast not for four years which kills me inside.. so much. Cause I want that more then anything..
I'm not sure what to do really....

I need help I know that.. I need structure..
I'm loosing my mind, I'm distraught, I'm always tired, I'm losing weight... I want to cut so fucking bad but I wont I can't stand this anymore... it's so fucking hard everyday.. it hurts so much..

oh god.. I need help..

please..

Thoughtful consumption.

Have you ever sat back and wondered... just thought about the possibilities.. the chances you mistook the lies you told, the people you deceived just to be something.. someone.. come out somewhere... have you wished so hard you could change the hands of time, back just a little to replace the insolence, the false pretense of the memories you fight so hard to keep?

Have you ever smiled and looked over you're shoulder knowing that the walk in closet you have to hold your skeletons was never.. deep enough... and yet you still cram the secrets known only to you, the memories you wish to in close in a vault to never escape to never be, ever again..

And Yet we still fight to hold on to what we could lose.. What matters least the insignificant things... The thises and thats that consume our morality......

Did you ever realize you take for granted the things that you knew you shouldn't... then when you're struggling.. wondering if there will be another meal... will there be another moment in which you no longer have to worry if theres enough to feed them and you, to make it just till the next check comes.... have you ever wondered.. what it would be like... to live the American dream?

And there are children who fight to be excepted in society who struggle to be something instead of nothing yet the irony of it is society can't except the way it's made itself.. and that it is nothing instead of something and the conformity is the tragedy and the non conformist are the ones who will come out on top and not rely on what society tells them...

Have you ever thought you were a robot nothing more then a worthless piece of machine set to do whatever master commanded of you... you can't think for yourself you only feel what you're "supposed" to feel and in the end you are still a hunk of metal who's only purpose is to do what the big man said.....

And those dreams you once had meant nothing, never would. You know.. When they said you could be anything, they Lied.. it was just a way to make people feel like they had some importance in life, when, you don't.....

Amounting to nothing is probably the best you could amount to in a world so screwed up... Running from demons, who only wish to posses the conscience mind and inform it.. there is no silver lining so stop wasting time in a building hoping some damn God will make life better.

Or the thoughts that flutter the human emotion that makes us all babbling fools.. The Wants.. No NEEDS that consume us, without it we are pathetic meaningless functions that can't compute the simplest of ideas... The others have that home which we seek in something no someone else.. to make us whole to complete the circle that was never meant to be completed.

When will we realize there will never be a "home" A place you can relax and forget all the insecurities, ..home is in the mind of the processor.. the mind that runs a million miles an hour.. the one you can never escape and therefore will never escape reality and the false ideal home in which we endlessly want, but we can never escape the memories, we can move to the end of the earth and still... something or someone will remind us of what we were running from in the first place.

And still we wonder.... if only, we had that once chance, we took that one path, we made that one decision, none of it would be like this.... And instead of blaming ourselves we blame a false insecurity that thing we call God.... We make excuses for why our lives are so distraught but never once, could we suck up the pride and admit it was our fault...

So on and so forth, the battle strives to have a reason.. a excuse to make it okay... will we ever be ok will we have have the memories we wanted to keep or will everything be lost....

We've made this life the way it is.... Love will never be what it once was that innocence, that feeling of unbelievable emotion... That security.. it will always be a need.... it will always be insecure, there will always be pain.... be it in memories, or in present.. there will always be fights and musunderstandisngs... love will never be perfect... love will never be what it once was...

If only... we could change the hands of time...