undying emotions.... relapse

I guess my body feels the year comming.. The time when things seem to shift for me... it was around this time I started to feel empty.... soon in the comming months.. I'll under go more pain then I thought I could have possibly lived through.. and the relapse of time consumes what I thought happened soo long ago.....

It amazes me how quickly time goes by and the moments that linger, don't linger long enough.. or the horrors stick around for time and time again.... and night terrors consume us, where we wake in sweats and no longer know what to think.. cause not only in reality are we not free from the memories but we are no longer safe in our dreams.. so what is comfort.... what is escaping?

Desperately I have found myself.. trying to outrun the realities that have been set before me on the path I long ago decided to walk down.... and yet I find myself.. beginning yet once more down the same path.. yet it's just a memory of what once was.. and the pain makes it hard to breath.... there and simple things that trigger it... a site... a small... a persons eyes.. or the way they touch you.. it doesn't take much to go into convulsions of tears that make it hard to ever imagine you got home safe... and all you lost was you're intimacy .... your way of showing you care in a passionate dance of arousal and erotica.. and then nothing seems so bad.. you still are breathing.. you're still alive.. and knowing people have been through more then you makes it that much easier to keep going..... but it doesn't it's the mind set of the child who tried to keep her head up only to be acknowledge as something more then she really is and yet the desire to hold onto her is overwhelming as she speaks such dignity and truth and tries to tell you she is her and not the child that you all can plainly see who grasps to the side of your shirt and walks with you never knowing how to take a step forward always following submitting to the words of the people around her who never gave her anything but a hole in her heart and an ache in the way she moves cause.. nothing seems to be as it was and the meanings that she tracks by the whole reason she goes forward is just a glimmer of hope that she can feel again.. and the world seems like so much more through the innocence of a child who knows no fear or pain.... till mommy and daddy are always fighting and well, your sisters a drug addict who.. wants to be something but can't get out of her hole so she sleeps around to make herself feel better but.. your better then her and yet you are vile to them so why does it matter.....

and it;s quiet here.. so many things have happened here.. and theres so many memories here and you want to overcome the pain of being here.... you want to prove to them you are so much more.. and you want to tell her you're not the one.. who should even be mentioned here cause... your.. just a child here.. trying to make something of yourself trying to overcome the world all alone and you really don;t know how much further you can walk when the pain is streaming through your back and the memories are so strong you can smell the cigerette smoke even if it was a year ago but the smell is so overwhelming it makes you sick and how do you tell them to put it out without admitting you were taken.. and without admitting you are hurting cause you never let them see you cry in fact you hate admitting that you care and you just shrug it off like its nothing.. like you never thought much of it.....

how do you go on pretending.. when you should have probably fallen in love with the man you bed with the man who's been your shoulder to lean on and yet you feel nothing for him he;s just another man just like the last man but gives you reason to believe maybe he's better then the rest and maybe theres more men out there but you can;t seem to feel for him and you find yourself wanting to back away from the pain from the intimate encounters you may have with him and all these excuses keep coming and you're glad to be sick and you're glad to have pain cause you don't want to please him cause you feel like a whore cause you know you don't feel for him and it's just another damn day where the world would play the right cards or you just suck at picking and well you know it's how it's been, but you want to keep him smiling so you cling to his side and show signs of affection like you're bodies thinking you can't live without him but your heads telling you its not the same and your eager to feel what its like to love again but you can't....

and they say your easy to fall for and the boys keep calling.. and your confidence has grown cause you know you're really good looking but your... heart is cold as ice and you breath in the essence of the moments they whisper to you... I think I like you.. I miss you.. and those small signs of affection shown to you make you run and flee and you ignore them but you know that's not right...but its all you know how to do.... throw the bait... and run......

so the cold weather fills you and you feel so lonely like theres no one left to comfort you.. you feel so vile and inhuman but theres nothing for you to do cause this is what you know... you keep pushing forward just a robot programmed to move on no matter how damaged you may be and so your heart is shattered and you're minds a little broken but you keep moving looking for something that might never be but that thought never processes through your head and you keep going forward and forward... further and further.. till you forget what you were searching for to begin with....

what's.. it like to smile.....to you know..curve your lips up... into a smirk.. with the.. glitter in your eyes... cause you feel so bubbly.. and those damned butterflies are well doing what they do best.. you shy away and blush and you feel a little flushed.. you know when you're breaths taken away by that most awesome kiss and you just knew it was then you'd be with him... if.. even for a little while....but... how long has it been since you could say those.. smiles weren't fake.. when you first started to force them letting everyone think your ok? When was it that you decided no one would know the difference but the lack of color in your eyes.. that shine doesn't exist......and the emptiness is apparent cause the life is lacking and the giggles aren't as giggly or lively as they used to be.. and even though you're personality has changed you still feel empty still feel like somethings missing.....

maybe... there is.........

And you look down at the ground and your feet are still planted and you're still in the same place as you were before.... you know that winter before.. when you decided to be a grown up.. and you wander down the road looking for a sign but we all know Gods a fucking liar who likes to play more mind games then the leading player of the town with no remource for the forsaken and your souls just a play thing... so.. you realize it's all the same and you...

just want to go home.. to the nothing that is home to the place of your shitty childhood but it has a warm bed and maybe that what you need...

maybe its what you need....

maybe.....

you need a new road...