Growing up has never been easy.... and I guess it's been a little different for me.. I suppose... I see my life as it was and the things I do each day change the way the world seems to me.... so here I am... 20 years old.. and still struggling to make something more of myself so I can shove it in my parents face and see I told you, I could be something great.....
I've always been the black sheep.. since I can remember... I was treated different.. and never was the favorite.. but as the second oldest maybe that's how it is..... at 13 I was showing signs of depression... My parents ignored it.. at 14 I spiraled into a full blown depression being completely suicidal and unable to control my emotions....... at this point the schools noticed.... and sent me to the school councilors who told my mother to take me to a therapist.. well, mother was NOT happy with me and screamed at me on the way home that day.. saying it was a cry for attention.. but I knew something was wrong with me........ So I went to the sessions and talked to the shrink.. at this time I had a BF who was in a long distance thing... and to this day I'm surprised he dealt with me......I started cutting at this point.. I just wanted to feel cause I was numb to everyone/thing else... It's almost as if it was a comfort... Till Mom Found out and again I was the most horrible person to her... in her eyes I was a vile little bitch... and she would do nothing more then scream and scream....
I learn to hide a lot of my feelings.. a lot of my emotions from them..... I cut up through freshman year.. to the point someone told and the screaming game again..... this time my papa was in the hospital and mom blamed me for a lot of it... she dragged me there... and screamed at me.. saying is this what you want is death pretty to you? I remember that lingering smell of death.. I remember looking away and wanting to just vomit... Having mom thrust me back around to look.... I wanted to sick to my knees to cry cause I just couldn't breath.. I was a 15 year old girl.. a few months before my 16th year of life and I had to witness my favorite person in the world die... so I made a promise to do what I could to make ME better.. since drugs and no one else would make me better..... soon after leaving Papa died..... and it always lingered on me.. That some how... it was my fault he went that soon... He had pulled through every other time... but this time he didn't..... the doctors had said he should've died long before...... But he pulled through and this time... it was me... till this day.. my heart aches when I think about it..........
I made it through the holidays.. I made it through school.. I moved on.... Was back stabbed and tormented in school... Lost a lot of friends and gained a bunch........ Soon I was dating my Ex....
after I graduated I went to move in with him... It was the first Time Mom said she was proud of me...... I didn't get that for graduation...... So I left and went to start my own life......were I was criticized for everything I ever did... since he was on probabtion We lived with his parents.... which was fine.. till... My hair was exceptable and neither was my weight.... the seven months living there killed me as a person.. I had no confidence.. I was ashamed to be seen in public and I felt bad that Josh was seen with me... I finally broke down one day.. his mother was on me about everything I did.... and mind you while living there I cleaned and cooked.. I helped her with every little thing she ever asked....... I just couldn't take it.. I think thats the hardest I ever cried... I couldn't breath and I remember just calling mom and telling her to get me.. I didn't care.. just come and get me.. please....... so I spent that night packing... and left in the morning when mom got there.... I remember feeling like a failure.. and stayed in the back seat in a daze.... I remember mom saying I wouldn't have a room... and that it wouldnt be fair to take it from my little sister so I was to sleep in the den..... I remember... my family talking.. and seeing Josh a few times.. while home.... I remember him asking me to marry him.. then cheating on me that night... to ultimately dump me on my 19th birthday for my best friend.....
This last year... has been hell.. and struggles for me..... but has been a learning experience and developed me to be who I am....I came out with no self esteem and to the point I was numb and just didn't care... I was wreckless and make mistakes... I didn't care if someone used me.. I didn't care no one wanted me for anything more then sex... I just didn't care.... Till.... I was raped...... then my eyes opened.. and I changed a lot.....dealing with that has been hard...... I have random spurs of crying.. I have random times where I don't want to be touched.. or I panic being touched.....I'm still really numb .... and as sad as it seems sex..is not an intimate thing to me... How can it be when someone can just take it from me? Take that part of me that is supposed to be for the one person I love... Take it and just leave me... like a worthless bitch.. a vile dirty little whore....I was destroyed ...... after that happened it seems kinda blurred... The blade kissed the skin again... taking a pill.. my body having vile reactions.. being sicker then hell... then finding myself in another "relationship" Where the man forced himself on me.. even when I said No and fought and pushed.. even when I cried and screamed.. to the point I gave up..... letting him just take me... cause I knew I never had a say in what happened.... Till I meet Chris....
Chris.. tried so hard to instill in me I am a special wonderful beautiful person......he tried to show me what it was like to be cared for and how I should be treated... He told me it was NOT okay what the people have done to me and NOONE should be allowed to touch me without my permission... but now.. sex is so.. Numb for me.. if feels good.. but it means nothing to me.. and I know this is bad right now.. I want to feel again and I want the rush that wonderful feeling of being flushed and so caring for someone you want to be held and hold them.. and just be so close.. now I can't wait to get away from the person afterwards.. I up and leave and wash up.. and go about my life.. like that never happened......like the most intimate encounter between a man and a women is just like shaking hands.. so much unfeeling.. numbness....
it's been a few months now... since I've opened myself to dating again.... and in this time I found the interest in bdsm... finding myself with Fred... another story and a half...... Finding myself in more and more trouble with my parents.. finding myself more and more unwanted... Because I am me... because I'm doing it all a lone.. because I just want to be me..... So I'm not wanted here.. and I get reminded almost daily by someone how I'm just a burden and not wanted.. or how I take up space..... or how I should just leave......
and I wish I could......but life is interesting... just as I'm sure my thoughts are....
so here I am.. a girl of 20.... I have a car... and One friend....... I have nothing going for me... and I feel so numb I'm not even sure... I can love someone.... I'm afraid.. I'll never give someone what they deserve and I'm afraid I'll never make someone happy...... I'm afraid to trust someone like that.. and I'm afraid to get that close to someone... I was always told I was easy to fall in love with...but I pray they wont...... cause I can't remember how to be that way.... yet I crave that.. I desire to be loved.. to be someones one and only to have someone hold me up when I know I can't stand anymore.. to have someone to just listen to me whine over stupid things and tell me I'm cute... or listen to me and give me advice about the deeper aspects in life......::sighs:: who knows.... maybe one day... I'll be able to love again.. and be loved....
but I guess it's hard for this girl to be loved when it seems not even her parents love her....
Kitten.
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2 comments:
hey Kitten,
I know right now you are feeling alot of emotions as I have felt some of those same emotions before. not all of them but I can understand greatly your wanting to be okay with your parents. And the feeling of not being loved by your parents. It wasnt till recently and I am now 32 that I gave up the hopes of ever being good enough for my parents. I also struggled daily with the same feelings until I finally decided that I am good enough and that no matter what I do or dont do they are going to have the wrong assumtion that it isnt good enough for them. my mother mainly. SO I no longer try. I know as well as others that I am good enough for the only person that matters really and that is me and my kids. My mother is the one is is missing out and will eventually have to deal with her loss becuase she has pushed me away enough that I no longer even talk to her and dont care to have that negativity around me anymore. So she has lost me and four beautiful grandchildren but it feels so much better to have cut the ties and gone on so to say. I still love her she is my mother but I no longer let her control my feelings and put me down. It took admitting to myself that I am the better person here and I dont have to be good enough for her which will in her eyes never happen no matter what I do. You are a very cute and beautiful person that will offer the right person a whole lot and the right person will also see all that you have to offer. It is unforunate that through out our lifes those jerks that can sense our emotions play on them therefore bringing us further down until we finally cant go down any further. I cant say I know how you feel I myself hate when people say that because they dont know how I feel. I can understand your emotions and have some of the same feelings. And have experienced some things that you have mentioned that you have. but you are right in the end it makes you who you are and it makes you stronger. yes I have felt the same as far as the sex thing with doing it just because and being numb it was an emotionless act as a result being taken and being made to feel that thats the only thing that I was good for as well. A word of note on that. When you are able to get through the a**holes of life and find that right person then the whole experience can be so much better. what you crave, want, and need will be found. you can and will be loved. Just as you can love again. It will take time it will hurt till you get there but when you do it will be that expereince that sweeps you off your feet and you will know. It will be a whole different feeling and if you are like so many of us that have experienced some of your experiences then you will try to push it away and fight it. the difference being is that true love the kind you want and need wont let you. that special person that will love you for who you are and they are out there though I to once thought the same thing that I would never find it. You will one day through all the hurt through all the pain there is a light at the end and the good news is that you will be that much stronger and that much more trusting and loveable because you came through the struggle. dont give up dont let them bring you down. YOU are the most important person and only YOU have to like yourself. everyone else is just forunate to have known you and for the few that are worth it to be your friend or lover or whatever. I think that we go through these trials and things when we are looking for the right one so that when we find them then we will without a doubt know that that person is worthwhile and that they love us as we love them. Up until a few months ago I would be the one to say that love doesnt exist and that I would never feel it other then the love between my kids and I. but it is there and it does exist and when the time is right and the right one shows up often when you arent looking and least expect it then we can finally realize alot of what we were missing we werent really missing but we was being saved for the right time and or person. I just wanted to say dont give up and dont ever think that you deserve any less and dont let what someone thinks about you affect the way you think of yourself. be who you are for YOU and no one else.
Hang in there, girl. This is a really hard time of year for me as well. Keep writing and getting it out and know that there are people who understand and who will listen and believe you.
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