none descriptive mortality of illness and deceit....
life of willing to be blasphemous...
I've been in Brandon for the majority of a few weeks... I have a new Boyfriend and made some amazing friends.... I've done things normally I'd be to scared to do, I've taken steps and moved on... I've given up and gave in.. and fought all in the mist of a short span that's throwing my life into a spiral...
The residents of this Small Two bedroom apartment are John and Shawn... John being my BF and Shawn being a new very good friend of mine and Johns good friend.... I've been offered a place to live and as trails may have it my reluctance stands in the way of me ever accomplishing anything cause we all know the trails I've had with myself about Texas. So I've ignored it and went about, I want to get a Job here but I'm reluctant once again, but I know if I'm home I'll never accomplish a damn thing, besides, I really like it here in Brandon. It brings me closer to some other friends as well.
But heres the battle I am always in, I feel horribly unwanted by him, the new BF. Maybe it's my insecurities, but it seems as I'm here just because, I serve no real purpose to him, I am but a mere little doll that sits and is pretty, nothing more. Just a girl to take the place of what was lost, till something better comes along. And yes, this is honestly how I feel. Again it's probably just me, but with the past I've had it seems to happen a lot. So now I'm left here wondering, should I just pack and leave? Or wait and see? I'm tired of the game called love.. which only ends in hurt, I'm ready to start this thing called life, and I'd love to have someone at my side....... I can't read him and it pisses me off.. I seem like a needy child ... and sometimes I wonder if I'm good for anyone.., I wonder if I'm good enough or I'll ever make someone happy.....
Not to mention the fact I feel unattractive to him.... so I don't know.... sometimes I wish I'd get hey you're beautiful... it's just weird things.. or you look good today.. something... I dont know... meows..... le sigh...
I dont know,
Music
Little ol Me...
- Kitten
- Port Richey, Florida, United States
- Just A simple Girl, with a complex mind, living in reality and dreaming of reaching the stars...
17 comments:
Hey! This is Amanda :)
I'm glad to have met you! You seem like a sweet girl and a pretty fun one, too. And I'm glad you like my karaoke game :p
So stay in Brandon! Lol.
Hmm...as for the worries about John...I met him just a day or so before I met you, but he seems like a relatively nice guy. But, having only known him for a short time, I really don't know much about him. If you have worries about the relationship, I think you should try to talk to him about it.
I know that it can sometimes be hard to talk about stuff like that with someone you're with, but often times it is what needs to be done. Otherwise, your concerns about the relationship may start eating away at you, then affecting the relationship.
*shrugs* That's my advice. Hope it is at least some-what helpful.
Thanks Amanda It means a lot to me.. I've thought about talking to him but I feel retarded anytime I try to.. I don't know....
<3
Totally understand your insecurities. Time helps, but letting him know how you feel is important. True love does exist. I never thought I'd find it but I did.
yea I know.... meow... I'm trying I just I dont know.
I had no idea you had moved to Brandon...or are thinking about staying I should say. I was so shocked to see you. I forgot what city I was in for a moment. It's funny because now I'm also moving to Brandon and I'm scared SHITLESS. This is a drop everything and run type of deal and I'm afraid of what may happen. You have to make mistakes and fall before your life unfolds. Go for it. If anything you'll get a job, make your own money, and become self sufficient.
Thanks Jinxy I was shocked to see you too.. but we'll be close so then we can hang out sometime weeeeeeeeeeeeee ...
I'm scared I've fucked up before and I'm so bent on never doing it again but that doesnt seem possible..
I bookmarked this blog a month or so ago and haven't really wanted to respond since it would just make things awkward... lol.
But now that you and I don't really talk anymore, I guess it isn't an issue.
I'll give my two-cents on the matter, but I really don't feel like sugar-coating it... So here goes...
Your insecurities and low self-esteem aside, how long have you known the guy? Unless it's been for, like, years or whatever, something doesn't sound right. I'm not saying it isn't nice of him to offer you a place and, I mean, God knows you need to get out of your parents place... but that just seems like a very odd setup...
If it was me, I'd be weary of putting myself into a bad situation. But that's me. You've got to trust your own instincts, I guess.
...but, for what it's worth, if you're already have doubts/issues with him, moving in with him for any extended length of time (i.e. more than a couple weeks) is only going to intensify things... and not in a good way.
If you don't have any other option, stay with him temporarily while you get on your feet, but bail out as soon as you can -- even if things are going well between you two.
Independence and self-sufficiency is crucial to having a good sense of self and whatnot. Without that, any sort of meaningful romantic relationship is pretty much doomed (sorry).
Like I said, no sense sugar-coating things :-P
You have issues with trust, intimacy, etc., etc. and you seem to have plenty of reasons for that. But we all have our issues and hangups, ya know? Focus on yourself and doing what's best. Stop caring so much about what everyone else wants (or what you think they want) and do what you need to in order to be who you want to be.
In earlier posts, you've touched on the fact that you're weak right now. Fine. So do something about it. If being in Brandon is the start of that "something", awesome. But do it on your terms and for yourself.
"...We now return you to your regularly scheduled blog comments...."
---Me
Kitten,
I have to agree somewhat with the last post on following
"Independence and self-sufficiency is crucial to having a good sense of self and whatnot. Without that, any sort of meaningful romantic relationship is pretty much doomed (sorry).
Like I said, no sense sugar-coating things :-P
You have issues with trust, intimacy, etc., etc. and you seem to have plenty of reasons for that. But we all have our issues and hangups, ya know? Focus on yourself and doing what's best. Stop caring so much about what everyone else wants (or what you think they want) and do what you need to in order to be who you want to be."
I know it is hard and will take time but in order to feel better you have to focus on you and nothing else. Focus on what you need to feel good about yourself because until you feel good about yourself no one can make you feel good. Hope that makes sense. Trying to live up to what you think others want you to be will always leave you feeling failed somehow because there is no way anyone can be everything everyone else wants them to be. When you are self confident enough to not dwell on what others think of you then it is easier to see that you are what others need and want by being who you are for you and noone else.
And we need to meet sometime since you are now close to me you know. I wonder just how close you are though we might be neighbors and not even know it.
Anyway know that you are liked and that you always have a friend even if it is just to vent to.
Kevin Thankies for the comment nothings awkward and you know it... I'm fne with chatting don't be afraid to put your two sense in meows..
Cookie... Thanks.. I know I've been working on a lot meows.
I'm off 60 right now
No fair. Everyone else is closer ad gets to hang out. Alli wants a margarita night with girlfriends. (My bf here is pregnant, no more sharing margaritas.)
LOL Alli awwwww <3 I'm too young for that.
Snuck into my backyard without telling me.
Oh I forgot! Hmmmmmm, slumber party then with no alcohol? (Thomas is here,can't temp you)
Lol thomas I R Ninja! xD hehe I was just talking to Cookie I'm pretty close.. yey.
Sure sounds like it.
STILL poor Alli. Everyone I want to have a margarita night with is either underage or pregnant! What to do, what to do...
lol Im not underage or pregnant. Ill have one with you. I can sure use the let loose feeling right about now
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