Soooo My car is running once again and a friend called needed a ride and what not so I went to get him.. not really knowing where I was and at night things look a lot different too.. he said he knew where he was and could give me good directions... welll... he's good directions landing in me turning down a one way street and I didn't see the "wrong way" till I had already turned... Not like people make mistakes right?
Well a cop happened to be behind me.. my luck right? and well I got a ticket.... which kinda annoyed me cause he could clearly see I've had my license only maybeeeee three months and my car no longer then like a week and wrote me a ticket.. my first offense... Ass >.> so now I have a 122dollar ticket to pay and no way to pay it... and my "friend" didn't even apologize... which pissed me off.. yes I should have maybe paid more attention but shitttttt it's just as much his fault as mine.... so I was in hysterics.. cause I can't afford this.... and he's telling me it's not that bad.. OMG? your not the one with limited money till a job.. and have insurance due in a week GAH!!!!!!
so I'm upset as ever I go to pull down the road I was told and took it straight down to a park so I could re-compose myself and be ok.... well.. I went to turn my car off and it wouldn't turn off... which sent me into a bit of a panic... btw my car needs a new tumbler set so its a bitch to turn the key in...
well I got it to turn off but tried to turn it on again and I couldn't I put all my strength into trying to start it and i couldn't... so now I'm in full panic hysteria.. and he's just like whatever so I get out of the car to breath crying away... and like I mean it.. it sucked.. and I'm trying to think of what to do.. cause I still never brought him home like I said.. when I messaged Chris...
I told my friend to call around and get a ride cause I couldn't take him home cause my car obviously wasnt going to start he even tried to start it... well he kind of blew a fit and started yelling at me telling me it was bullshit and I needed to get him a ride and my friend SHOULD give him a ride I told him it was going to be ATLEAST if not longer then 40mins till chris Got there and he was already complaining about being cold....so I was screaming at him horribly upset he';s on the phone bitching to friends that im such a horrible person... and then leaves without a fucking word.. leaving me alone Bymyself in a park at 12 at night... awesome right?
Chris finally gets there and I'm a mess.. but he starts my car in an instant with a screw driver.. yea now I feel retarded and have a ticket to boot.. soo.. I'm unhappy.. to say the least.. ARG!!!!!!!!
Monday, January 28, 2008
Saturday, January 26, 2008
unfeeling.....
is it supposed to be like this... when you're seeing someone you could care less if they are late or if they even show...
is it when you see them you don't get excited it's just another day and another person.... it's so awkward I mean you can see it in them the way the look at you and smile.. they way they touch you.. you can tell they missed you but yet... I rarely react to it..... so do they know and not care? Can they tell I don't care?? that it doesn't faze me that they missed me and they hold me and cling like they really did miss having me around?
What the hell is wrong with me?
mehhhhhhhh
is it when you see them you don't get excited it's just another day and another person.... it's so awkward I mean you can see it in them the way the look at you and smile.. they way they touch you.. you can tell they missed you but yet... I rarely react to it..... so do they know and not care? Can they tell I don't care?? that it doesn't faze me that they missed me and they hold me and cling like they really did miss having me around?
What the hell is wrong with me?
mehhhhhhhh
Friday, January 25, 2008
undying emotions.... relapse
I guess my body feels the year comming.. The time when things seem to shift for me... it was around this time I started to feel empty.... soon in the comming months.. I'll under go more pain then I thought I could have possibly lived through.. and the relapse of time consumes what I thought happened soo long ago.....
It amazes me how quickly time goes by and the moments that linger, don't linger long enough.. or the horrors stick around for time and time again.... and night terrors consume us, where we wake in sweats and no longer know what to think.. cause not only in reality are we not free from the memories but we are no longer safe in our dreams.. so what is comfort.... what is escaping?
Desperately I have found myself.. trying to outrun the realities that have been set before me on the path I long ago decided to walk down.... and yet I find myself.. beginning yet once more down the same path.. yet it's just a memory of what once was.. and the pain makes it hard to breath.... there and simple things that trigger it... a site... a small... a persons eyes.. or the way they touch you.. it doesn't take much to go into convulsions of tears that make it hard to ever imagine you got home safe... and all you lost was you're intimacy .... your way of showing you care in a passionate dance of arousal and erotica.. and then nothing seems so bad.. you still are breathing.. you're still alive.. and knowing people have been through more then you makes it that much easier to keep going..... but it doesn't it's the mind set of the child who tried to keep her head up only to be acknowledge as something more then she really is and yet the desire to hold onto her is overwhelming as she speaks such dignity and truth and tries to tell you she is her and not the child that you all can plainly see who grasps to the side of your shirt and walks with you never knowing how to take a step forward always following submitting to the words of the people around her who never gave her anything but a hole in her heart and an ache in the way she moves cause.. nothing seems to be as it was and the meanings that she tracks by the whole reason she goes forward is just a glimmer of hope that she can feel again.. and the world seems like so much more through the innocence of a child who knows no fear or pain.... till mommy and daddy are always fighting and well, your sisters a drug addict who.. wants to be something but can't get out of her hole so she sleeps around to make herself feel better but.. your better then her and yet you are vile to them so why does it matter.....
and it;s quiet here.. so many things have happened here.. and theres so many memories here and you want to overcome the pain of being here.... you want to prove to them you are so much more.. and you want to tell her you're not the one.. who should even be mentioned here cause... your.. just a child here.. trying to make something of yourself trying to overcome the world all alone and you really don;t know how much further you can walk when the pain is streaming through your back and the memories are so strong you can smell the cigerette smoke even if it was a year ago but the smell is so overwhelming it makes you sick and how do you tell them to put it out without admitting you were taken.. and without admitting you are hurting cause you never let them see you cry in fact you hate admitting that you care and you just shrug it off like its nothing.. like you never thought much of it.....
how do you go on pretending.. when you should have probably fallen in love with the man you bed with the man who's been your shoulder to lean on and yet you feel nothing for him he;s just another man just like the last man but gives you reason to believe maybe he's better then the rest and maybe theres more men out there but you can;t seem to feel for him and you find yourself wanting to back away from the pain from the intimate encounters you may have with him and all these excuses keep coming and you're glad to be sick and you're glad to have pain cause you don't want to please him cause you feel like a whore cause you know you don't feel for him and it's just another damn day where the world would play the right cards or you just suck at picking and well you know it's how it's been, but you want to keep him smiling so you cling to his side and show signs of affection like you're bodies thinking you can't live without him but your heads telling you its not the same and your eager to feel what its like to love again but you can't....
and they say your easy to fall for and the boys keep calling.. and your confidence has grown cause you know you're really good looking but your... heart is cold as ice and you breath in the essence of the moments they whisper to you... I think I like you.. I miss you.. and those small signs of affection shown to you make you run and flee and you ignore them but you know that's not right...but its all you know how to do.... throw the bait... and run......
so the cold weather fills you and you feel so lonely like theres no one left to comfort you.. you feel so vile and inhuman but theres nothing for you to do cause this is what you know... you keep pushing forward just a robot programmed to move on no matter how damaged you may be and so your heart is shattered and you're minds a little broken but you keep moving looking for something that might never be but that thought never processes through your head and you keep going forward and forward... further and further.. till you forget what you were searching for to begin with....
what's.. it like to smile.....to you know..curve your lips up... into a smirk.. with the.. glitter in your eyes... cause you feel so bubbly.. and those damned butterflies are well doing what they do best.. you shy away and blush and you feel a little flushed.. you know when you're breaths taken away by that most awesome kiss and you just knew it was then you'd be with him... if.. even for a little while....but... how long has it been since you could say those.. smiles weren't fake.. when you first started to force them letting everyone think your ok? When was it that you decided no one would know the difference but the lack of color in your eyes.. that shine doesn't exist......and the emptiness is apparent cause the life is lacking and the giggles aren't as giggly or lively as they used to be.. and even though you're personality has changed you still feel empty still feel like somethings missing.....
maybe... there is.........
And you look down at the ground and your feet are still planted and you're still in the same place as you were before.... you know that winter before.. when you decided to be a grown up.. and you wander down the road looking for a sign but we all know Gods a fucking liar who likes to play more mind games then the leading player of the town with no remource for the forsaken and your souls just a play thing... so.. you realize it's all the same and you...
just want to go home.. to the nothing that is home to the place of your shitty childhood but it has a warm bed and maybe that what you need...
maybe its what you need....
maybe.....
you need a new road...
It amazes me how quickly time goes by and the moments that linger, don't linger long enough.. or the horrors stick around for time and time again.... and night terrors consume us, where we wake in sweats and no longer know what to think.. cause not only in reality are we not free from the memories but we are no longer safe in our dreams.. so what is comfort.... what is escaping?
Desperately I have found myself.. trying to outrun the realities that have been set before me on the path I long ago decided to walk down.... and yet I find myself.. beginning yet once more down the same path.. yet it's just a memory of what once was.. and the pain makes it hard to breath.... there and simple things that trigger it... a site... a small... a persons eyes.. or the way they touch you.. it doesn't take much to go into convulsions of tears that make it hard to ever imagine you got home safe... and all you lost was you're intimacy .... your way of showing you care in a passionate dance of arousal and erotica.. and then nothing seems so bad.. you still are breathing.. you're still alive.. and knowing people have been through more then you makes it that much easier to keep going..... but it doesn't it's the mind set of the child who tried to keep her head up only to be acknowledge as something more then she really is and yet the desire to hold onto her is overwhelming as she speaks such dignity and truth and tries to tell you she is her and not the child that you all can plainly see who grasps to the side of your shirt and walks with you never knowing how to take a step forward always following submitting to the words of the people around her who never gave her anything but a hole in her heart and an ache in the way she moves cause.. nothing seems to be as it was and the meanings that she tracks by the whole reason she goes forward is just a glimmer of hope that she can feel again.. and the world seems like so much more through the innocence of a child who knows no fear or pain.... till mommy and daddy are always fighting and well, your sisters a drug addict who.. wants to be something but can't get out of her hole so she sleeps around to make herself feel better but.. your better then her and yet you are vile to them so why does it matter.....
and it;s quiet here.. so many things have happened here.. and theres so many memories here and you want to overcome the pain of being here.... you want to prove to them you are so much more.. and you want to tell her you're not the one.. who should even be mentioned here cause... your.. just a child here.. trying to make something of yourself trying to overcome the world all alone and you really don;t know how much further you can walk when the pain is streaming through your back and the memories are so strong you can smell the cigerette smoke even if it was a year ago but the smell is so overwhelming it makes you sick and how do you tell them to put it out without admitting you were taken.. and without admitting you are hurting cause you never let them see you cry in fact you hate admitting that you care and you just shrug it off like its nothing.. like you never thought much of it.....
how do you go on pretending.. when you should have probably fallen in love with the man you bed with the man who's been your shoulder to lean on and yet you feel nothing for him he;s just another man just like the last man but gives you reason to believe maybe he's better then the rest and maybe theres more men out there but you can;t seem to feel for him and you find yourself wanting to back away from the pain from the intimate encounters you may have with him and all these excuses keep coming and you're glad to be sick and you're glad to have pain cause you don't want to please him cause you feel like a whore cause you know you don't feel for him and it's just another damn day where the world would play the right cards or you just suck at picking and well you know it's how it's been, but you want to keep him smiling so you cling to his side and show signs of affection like you're bodies thinking you can't live without him but your heads telling you its not the same and your eager to feel what its like to love again but you can't....
and they say your easy to fall for and the boys keep calling.. and your confidence has grown cause you know you're really good looking but your... heart is cold as ice and you breath in the essence of the moments they whisper to you... I think I like you.. I miss you.. and those small signs of affection shown to you make you run and flee and you ignore them but you know that's not right...but its all you know how to do.... throw the bait... and run......
so the cold weather fills you and you feel so lonely like theres no one left to comfort you.. you feel so vile and inhuman but theres nothing for you to do cause this is what you know... you keep pushing forward just a robot programmed to move on no matter how damaged you may be and so your heart is shattered and you're minds a little broken but you keep moving looking for something that might never be but that thought never processes through your head and you keep going forward and forward... further and further.. till you forget what you were searching for to begin with....
what's.. it like to smile.....to you know..curve your lips up... into a smirk.. with the.. glitter in your eyes... cause you feel so bubbly.. and those damned butterflies are well doing what they do best.. you shy away and blush and you feel a little flushed.. you know when you're breaths taken away by that most awesome kiss and you just knew it was then you'd be with him... if.. even for a little while....but... how long has it been since you could say those.. smiles weren't fake.. when you first started to force them letting everyone think your ok? When was it that you decided no one would know the difference but the lack of color in your eyes.. that shine doesn't exist......and the emptiness is apparent cause the life is lacking and the giggles aren't as giggly or lively as they used to be.. and even though you're personality has changed you still feel empty still feel like somethings missing.....
maybe... there is.........
And you look down at the ground and your feet are still planted and you're still in the same place as you were before.... you know that winter before.. when you decided to be a grown up.. and you wander down the road looking for a sign but we all know Gods a fucking liar who likes to play more mind games then the leading player of the town with no remource for the forsaken and your souls just a play thing... so.. you realize it's all the same and you...
just want to go home.. to the nothing that is home to the place of your shitty childhood but it has a warm bed and maybe that what you need...
maybe its what you need....
maybe.....
you need a new road...
Thursday, January 24, 2008
As the sleep sets in...
....before the nyquil consumes me.. thoughts run through my head....
I hate feeling so numb... even when Chris holds me.. theres just no point.. and I feel myself clinging to him like a child wanting attention but theres nothing there... I want to feel again... I just keep thinking Texas would be good for me to leave and not look back.. but then I know I lose things.. and I just wish there was more...
Been sick.. tired of being sick.. want to get better and get out there...
been talking to a Dom.. and like much.. I might give him a chance... young and together we can learn.. but I dont know if I can give someone what they want or are looking for considering I'm a little messed up... but for some reason I feel like he can get it out of me...
I'm rambling and I donno.. I think nyquil is bad for you haha....
so much to do.. so little time....
im going to sleep.
I hate feeling so numb... even when Chris holds me.. theres just no point.. and I feel myself clinging to him like a child wanting attention but theres nothing there... I want to feel again... I just keep thinking Texas would be good for me to leave and not look back.. but then I know I lose things.. and I just wish there was more...
Been sick.. tired of being sick.. want to get better and get out there...
been talking to a Dom.. and like much.. I might give him a chance... young and together we can learn.. but I dont know if I can give someone what they want or are looking for considering I'm a little messed up... but for some reason I feel like he can get it out of me...
I'm rambling and I donno.. I think nyquil is bad for you haha....
so much to do.. so little time....
im going to sleep.
Monday, January 21, 2008
Falling apart...
I hate.. when things seem to be ok.. and on track..
then it all falls a part... and your overwhelmed..
I just want something to go right for once...
bought a car.. and now every little thing like breaks...
I can't take it... nor have the money to replace this..
I just.. it sucks.. and noones helping.. I can't do this alone...
I hate this...
and totally..
feel..
Like I'm sufficating..
then it all falls a part... and your overwhelmed..
I just want something to go right for once...
bought a car.. and now every little thing like breaks...
I can't take it... nor have the money to replace this..
I just.. it sucks.. and noones helping.. I can't do this alone...
I hate this...
and totally..
feel..
Like I'm sufficating..
Saturday, January 19, 2008
The world is changing.. so does this little one.
Growing up has never been easy.... and I guess it's been a little different for me.. I suppose... I see my life as it was and the things I do each day change the way the world seems to me.... so here I am... 20 years old.. and still struggling to make something more of myself so I can shove it in my parents face and see I told you, I could be something great.....
I've always been the black sheep.. since I can remember... I was treated different.. and never was the favorite.. but as the second oldest maybe that's how it is..... at 13 I was showing signs of depression... My parents ignored it.. at 14 I spiraled into a full blown depression being completely suicidal and unable to control my emotions....... at this point the schools noticed.... and sent me to the school councilors who told my mother to take me to a therapist.. well, mother was NOT happy with me and screamed at me on the way home that day.. saying it was a cry for attention.. but I knew something was wrong with me........ So I went to the sessions and talked to the shrink.. at this time I had a BF who was in a long distance thing... and to this day I'm surprised he dealt with me......I started cutting at this point.. I just wanted to feel cause I was numb to everyone/thing else... It's almost as if it was a comfort... Till Mom Found out and again I was the most horrible person to her... in her eyes I was a vile little bitch... and she would do nothing more then scream and scream....
I learn to hide a lot of my feelings.. a lot of my emotions from them..... I cut up through freshman year.. to the point someone told and the screaming game again..... this time my papa was in the hospital and mom blamed me for a lot of it... she dragged me there... and screamed at me.. saying is this what you want is death pretty to you? I remember that lingering smell of death.. I remember looking away and wanting to just vomit... Having mom thrust me back around to look.... I wanted to sick to my knees to cry cause I just couldn't breath.. I was a 15 year old girl.. a few months before my 16th year of life and I had to witness my favorite person in the world die... so I made a promise to do what I could to make ME better.. since drugs and no one else would make me better..... soon after leaving Papa died..... and it always lingered on me.. That some how... it was my fault he went that soon... He had pulled through every other time... but this time he didn't..... the doctors had said he should've died long before...... But he pulled through and this time... it was me... till this day.. my heart aches when I think about it..........
I made it through the holidays.. I made it through school.. I moved on.... Was back stabbed and tormented in school... Lost a lot of friends and gained a bunch........ Soon I was dating my Ex....
after I graduated I went to move in with him... It was the first Time Mom said she was proud of me...... I didn't get that for graduation...... So I left and went to start my own life......were I was criticized for everything I ever did... since he was on probabtion We lived with his parents.... which was fine.. till... My hair was exceptable and neither was my weight.... the seven months living there killed me as a person.. I had no confidence.. I was ashamed to be seen in public and I felt bad that Josh was seen with me... I finally broke down one day.. his mother was on me about everything I did.... and mind you while living there I cleaned and cooked.. I helped her with every little thing she ever asked....... I just couldn't take it.. I think thats the hardest I ever cried... I couldn't breath and I remember just calling mom and telling her to get me.. I didn't care.. just come and get me.. please....... so I spent that night packing... and left in the morning when mom got there.... I remember feeling like a failure.. and stayed in the back seat in a daze.... I remember mom saying I wouldn't have a room... and that it wouldnt be fair to take it from my little sister so I was to sleep in the den..... I remember... my family talking.. and seeing Josh a few times.. while home.... I remember him asking me to marry him.. then cheating on me that night... to ultimately dump me on my 19th birthday for my best friend.....
This last year... has been hell.. and struggles for me..... but has been a learning experience and developed me to be who I am....I came out with no self esteem and to the point I was numb and just didn't care... I was wreckless and make mistakes... I didn't care if someone used me.. I didn't care no one wanted me for anything more then sex... I just didn't care.... Till.... I was raped...... then my eyes opened.. and I changed a lot.....dealing with that has been hard...... I have random spurs of crying.. I have random times where I don't want to be touched.. or I panic being touched.....I'm still really numb .... and as sad as it seems sex..is not an intimate thing to me... How can it be when someone can just take it from me? Take that part of me that is supposed to be for the one person I love... Take it and just leave me... like a worthless bitch.. a vile dirty little whore....I was destroyed ...... after that happened it seems kinda blurred... The blade kissed the skin again... taking a pill.. my body having vile reactions.. being sicker then hell... then finding myself in another "relationship" Where the man forced himself on me.. even when I said No and fought and pushed.. even when I cried and screamed.. to the point I gave up..... letting him just take me... cause I knew I never had a say in what happened.... Till I meet Chris....
Chris.. tried so hard to instill in me I am a special wonderful beautiful person......he tried to show me what it was like to be cared for and how I should be treated... He told me it was NOT okay what the people have done to me and NOONE should be allowed to touch me without my permission... but now.. sex is so.. Numb for me.. if feels good.. but it means nothing to me.. and I know this is bad right now.. I want to feel again and I want the rush that wonderful feeling of being flushed and so caring for someone you want to be held and hold them.. and just be so close.. now I can't wait to get away from the person afterwards.. I up and leave and wash up.. and go about my life.. like that never happened......like the most intimate encounter between a man and a women is just like shaking hands.. so much unfeeling.. numbness....
it's been a few months now... since I've opened myself to dating again.... and in this time I found the interest in bdsm... finding myself with Fred... another story and a half...... Finding myself in more and more trouble with my parents.. finding myself more and more unwanted... Because I am me... because I'm doing it all a lone.. because I just want to be me..... So I'm not wanted here.. and I get reminded almost daily by someone how I'm just a burden and not wanted.. or how I take up space..... or how I should just leave......
and I wish I could......but life is interesting... just as I'm sure my thoughts are....
so here I am.. a girl of 20.... I have a car... and One friend....... I have nothing going for me... and I feel so numb I'm not even sure... I can love someone.... I'm afraid.. I'll never give someone what they deserve and I'm afraid I'll never make someone happy...... I'm afraid to trust someone like that.. and I'm afraid to get that close to someone... I was always told I was easy to fall in love with...but I pray they wont...... cause I can't remember how to be that way.... yet I crave that.. I desire to be loved.. to be someones one and only to have someone hold me up when I know I can't stand anymore.. to have someone to just listen to me whine over stupid things and tell me I'm cute... or listen to me and give me advice about the deeper aspects in life......::sighs:: who knows.... maybe one day... I'll be able to love again.. and be loved....
but I guess it's hard for this girl to be loved when it seems not even her parents love her....
Kitten.
I've always been the black sheep.. since I can remember... I was treated different.. and never was the favorite.. but as the second oldest maybe that's how it is..... at 13 I was showing signs of depression... My parents ignored it.. at 14 I spiraled into a full blown depression being completely suicidal and unable to control my emotions....... at this point the schools noticed.... and sent me to the school councilors who told my mother to take me to a therapist.. well, mother was NOT happy with me and screamed at me on the way home that day.. saying it was a cry for attention.. but I knew something was wrong with me........ So I went to the sessions and talked to the shrink.. at this time I had a BF who was in a long distance thing... and to this day I'm surprised he dealt with me......I started cutting at this point.. I just wanted to feel cause I was numb to everyone/thing else... It's almost as if it was a comfort... Till Mom Found out and again I was the most horrible person to her... in her eyes I was a vile little bitch... and she would do nothing more then scream and scream....
I learn to hide a lot of my feelings.. a lot of my emotions from them..... I cut up through freshman year.. to the point someone told and the screaming game again..... this time my papa was in the hospital and mom blamed me for a lot of it... she dragged me there... and screamed at me.. saying is this what you want is death pretty to you? I remember that lingering smell of death.. I remember looking away and wanting to just vomit... Having mom thrust me back around to look.... I wanted to sick to my knees to cry cause I just couldn't breath.. I was a 15 year old girl.. a few months before my 16th year of life and I had to witness my favorite person in the world die... so I made a promise to do what I could to make ME better.. since drugs and no one else would make me better..... soon after leaving Papa died..... and it always lingered on me.. That some how... it was my fault he went that soon... He had pulled through every other time... but this time he didn't..... the doctors had said he should've died long before...... But he pulled through and this time... it was me... till this day.. my heart aches when I think about it..........
I made it through the holidays.. I made it through school.. I moved on.... Was back stabbed and tormented in school... Lost a lot of friends and gained a bunch........ Soon I was dating my Ex....
after I graduated I went to move in with him... It was the first Time Mom said she was proud of me...... I didn't get that for graduation...... So I left and went to start my own life......were I was criticized for everything I ever did... since he was on probabtion We lived with his parents.... which was fine.. till... My hair was exceptable and neither was my weight.... the seven months living there killed me as a person.. I had no confidence.. I was ashamed to be seen in public and I felt bad that Josh was seen with me... I finally broke down one day.. his mother was on me about everything I did.... and mind you while living there I cleaned and cooked.. I helped her with every little thing she ever asked....... I just couldn't take it.. I think thats the hardest I ever cried... I couldn't breath and I remember just calling mom and telling her to get me.. I didn't care.. just come and get me.. please....... so I spent that night packing... and left in the morning when mom got there.... I remember feeling like a failure.. and stayed in the back seat in a daze.... I remember mom saying I wouldn't have a room... and that it wouldnt be fair to take it from my little sister so I was to sleep in the den..... I remember... my family talking.. and seeing Josh a few times.. while home.... I remember him asking me to marry him.. then cheating on me that night... to ultimately dump me on my 19th birthday for my best friend.....
This last year... has been hell.. and struggles for me..... but has been a learning experience and developed me to be who I am....I came out with no self esteem and to the point I was numb and just didn't care... I was wreckless and make mistakes... I didn't care if someone used me.. I didn't care no one wanted me for anything more then sex... I just didn't care.... Till.... I was raped...... then my eyes opened.. and I changed a lot.....dealing with that has been hard...... I have random spurs of crying.. I have random times where I don't want to be touched.. or I panic being touched.....I'm still really numb .... and as sad as it seems sex..is not an intimate thing to me... How can it be when someone can just take it from me? Take that part of me that is supposed to be for the one person I love... Take it and just leave me... like a worthless bitch.. a vile dirty little whore....I was destroyed ...... after that happened it seems kinda blurred... The blade kissed the skin again... taking a pill.. my body having vile reactions.. being sicker then hell... then finding myself in another "relationship" Where the man forced himself on me.. even when I said No and fought and pushed.. even when I cried and screamed.. to the point I gave up..... letting him just take me... cause I knew I never had a say in what happened.... Till I meet Chris....
Chris.. tried so hard to instill in me I am a special wonderful beautiful person......he tried to show me what it was like to be cared for and how I should be treated... He told me it was NOT okay what the people have done to me and NOONE should be allowed to touch me without my permission... but now.. sex is so.. Numb for me.. if feels good.. but it means nothing to me.. and I know this is bad right now.. I want to feel again and I want the rush that wonderful feeling of being flushed and so caring for someone you want to be held and hold them.. and just be so close.. now I can't wait to get away from the person afterwards.. I up and leave and wash up.. and go about my life.. like that never happened......like the most intimate encounter between a man and a women is just like shaking hands.. so much unfeeling.. numbness....
it's been a few months now... since I've opened myself to dating again.... and in this time I found the interest in bdsm... finding myself with Fred... another story and a half...... Finding myself in more and more trouble with my parents.. finding myself more and more unwanted... Because I am me... because I'm doing it all a lone.. because I just want to be me..... So I'm not wanted here.. and I get reminded almost daily by someone how I'm just a burden and not wanted.. or how I take up space..... or how I should just leave......
and I wish I could......but life is interesting... just as I'm sure my thoughts are....
so here I am.. a girl of 20.... I have a car... and One friend....... I have nothing going for me... and I feel so numb I'm not even sure... I can love someone.... I'm afraid.. I'll never give someone what they deserve and I'm afraid I'll never make someone happy...... I'm afraid to trust someone like that.. and I'm afraid to get that close to someone... I was always told I was easy to fall in love with...but I pray they wont...... cause I can't remember how to be that way.... yet I crave that.. I desire to be loved.. to be someones one and only to have someone hold me up when I know I can't stand anymore.. to have someone to just listen to me whine over stupid things and tell me I'm cute... or listen to me and give me advice about the deeper aspects in life......::sighs:: who knows.... maybe one day... I'll be able to love again.. and be loved....
but I guess it's hard for this girl to be loved when it seems not even her parents love her....
Kitten.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
I'm this girl..
She's the girl who refuses to cry...
Cause her make up will Run....
who bites her lips and blinks a million times...
not allowing those forsaken tears to even fall.
She's the girl who knows you're lying to her..
But sticks around... Just in case..
somehow you change your mind..
and actually want to care...
She's the girl... who's so intelligent...
but allows herself to be Naive...
pretending like it's not true..
believing every lie you speak.
she's the girl.... who deserves the world...
but only receives... trash...
cause for some reason...
She'll never.. be good enough...
she's the girl...who wishes on shooting stars...
but they never come true..
ever....
she's the girl... who just.. wants to be happy..
~Sammyy Castora
Cause her make up will Run....
who bites her lips and blinks a million times...
not allowing those forsaken tears to even fall.
She's the girl who knows you're lying to her..
But sticks around... Just in case..
somehow you change your mind..
and actually want to care...
She's the girl... who's so intelligent...
but allows herself to be Naive...
pretending like it's not true..
believing every lie you speak.
she's the girl.... who deserves the world...
but only receives... trash...
cause for some reason...
She'll never.. be good enough...
she's the girl...who wishes on shooting stars...
but they never come true..
ever....
she's the girl... who just.. wants to be happy..
~Sammyy Castora
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Poem
I feel myself slipping.. fading away.. these smiles are harder to make everyday
I want to be happy I want to be sure.. every day is a battle.. a lifelong war..
I strive to be perfect to be adored..
I admit I'm foolish and should lock those doors..
Move faster.. leave behind..
what I've always wanted to be mine.
its been like this since I can recall.
numb and empty..I just wish to fall...
into a darkness away from the it all..
ignore my emotions I'll curl into a ball..
let me die my feelings are lies..
I just wish... you saw the truth in my eyes...
I want to be happy I want to be sure.. every day is a battle.. a lifelong war..
I strive to be perfect to be adored..
I admit I'm foolish and should lock those doors..
Move faster.. leave behind..
what I've always wanted to be mine.
its been like this since I can recall.
numb and empty..I just wish to fall...
into a darkness away from the it all..
ignore my emotions I'll curl into a ball..
let me die my feelings are lies..
I just wish... you saw the truth in my eyes...
Dates... <3
It's so awkward..being single for a year.. and then suddenly you find yourself thrust back into the game of love..
so I'm on plenty of Fish, an online dating site, I've made a lot of friends from there but nothing serious and I was fine with that.. because it was just a let's see whats out there, considering without a car I'm limited to meeting people.
well I recently well more or less a week and counting got a message from someone close to me, at first I was offish because he was rather good looking and I tend to get fucked over by those kind. we started talking every night and texting.... and I finally agreed to meet him after he did some recruiting.. since he's in the Army reserves..... so there I meet him in his uniform and I take him to the park just to get to know him..
At first it's a little awkward cause I don't know how to act around guys like him so I just well act like me! we seemed to connect pretty well, we thought a like and made jokes and went off on those never offending either or.. he's interesting and sweet... here and there I got a few sweet comments out of him it was nice.........
We went out to dinner then at steak and shake and talked a little more before he went home to get some rest...
So I wake up today on and off a little sad I didn't get a text from him, my mind wanders so I wonder like does he like me or am I supposed to text him or what.. like I'm going out of my mind so finally I decide to send him a text... and he asked if I had plans I told him no... He came and got me and when he saw me I swear I got a wow.. and it make me uber happy.....we went out to Old Chicago for Dinner and talked some it was nice..... I realized how weird I felt cause the waitress was flirting with him and I was a tad jealous.. why I can't really say but I felt really unattractive for the time being.. he didn't seem to notice but I did and it make me feel shitty... lol I guess it's just me but I don't know why girls do shit like that, like you see he's with someone and yet you're touchy and flirty with him.. it made me mad!!!
Owell we got into the car and sat and talked for a bit.. I smiled a lot.. cause he told me I was one good thing in his life right now.. and it's nice to hear.. you know! Heh I'm cheesy.. owell... Well we went to the park and talked for a few more hours and I almost cried cause I told him how I was tired of the bullshit and tired of the games... and he told me not to worry...
So We shall see.. huh?
so I'm on plenty of Fish, an online dating site, I've made a lot of friends from there but nothing serious and I was fine with that.. because it was just a let's see whats out there, considering without a car I'm limited to meeting people.
well I recently well more or less a week and counting got a message from someone close to me, at first I was offish because he was rather good looking and I tend to get fucked over by those kind. we started talking every night and texting.... and I finally agreed to meet him after he did some recruiting.. since he's in the Army reserves..... so there I meet him in his uniform and I take him to the park just to get to know him..
At first it's a little awkward cause I don't know how to act around guys like him so I just well act like me! we seemed to connect pretty well, we thought a like and made jokes and went off on those never offending either or.. he's interesting and sweet... here and there I got a few sweet comments out of him it was nice.........
We went out to dinner then at steak and shake and talked a little more before he went home to get some rest...
So I wake up today on and off a little sad I didn't get a text from him, my mind wanders so I wonder like does he like me or am I supposed to text him or what.. like I'm going out of my mind so finally I decide to send him a text... and he asked if I had plans I told him no... He came and got me and when he saw me I swear I got a wow.. and it make me uber happy.....we went out to Old Chicago for Dinner and talked some it was nice..... I realized how weird I felt cause the waitress was flirting with him and I was a tad jealous.. why I can't really say but I felt really unattractive for the time being.. he didn't seem to notice but I did and it make me feel shitty... lol I guess it's just me but I don't know why girls do shit like that, like you see he's with someone and yet you're touchy and flirty with him.. it made me mad!!!
Owell we got into the car and sat and talked for a bit.. I smiled a lot.. cause he told me I was one good thing in his life right now.. and it's nice to hear.. you know! Heh I'm cheesy.. owell... Well we went to the park and talked for a few more hours and I almost cried cause I told him how I was tired of the bullshit and tired of the games... and he told me not to worry...
So We shall see.. huh?
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Intimate descrision.. I'm not the same?
I can't stop thinking about the changes that are happening.. and sadly.. some are being more forced on me.
I spent the weekend with Chris.. waking on Sunday and taking off with him to see Erin. Once picking her up, we decided to get some eats at Greek City, I've never really had Greek Food but omg! it was amazing.... hehe... once we were feed and happy we decided to go to the few random parks around..... I was in a short skirt, white knee highs boots a top.. braided pigtails and cat ears along with my beloved Collar from Chris. I looked like a little school catgirl... and I got some looks... as we were leaving to go to the other park in brooksville I decided it best to change into my jeans, since the other was a climbling around playground..... so I Stripped in the parking lot throw on some jeans a few smacks to my ass and I was set....
We messed around for a bit.. took some pictures, and Chris Noticed me being awfully flirty with him, which I'm normally not, infact I haven't been really Flirty with anyone lately to be honest, I was picking on him and poking and kicking him playfully and I'm Not like that so it was awkward... We dropped Erin off and it was Just Chris and I talking.... Basically I sorta made up my mind I want to go to Texas, Just waiting on Details from Eve and Victor...we talked a lot about decisions and how he was sorry He couldn't be my boyfriend, and in all honesty I'm not sure I'd like Chris as my Boyfriend.. I love him to death and don't know what to do without him, but I don't think we'd be okay like that...........
::shrugs:: Spent the night with him and the next day we got some food and got my pet Rat...only to have to deal with mom when I got home about having 30days to change my address or get a car and insurance.. ::sighs:: I don't know what to do....
meows.
I spent the weekend with Chris.. waking on Sunday and taking off with him to see Erin. Once picking her up, we decided to get some eats at Greek City, I've never really had Greek Food but omg! it was amazing.... hehe... once we were feed and happy we decided to go to the few random parks around..... I was in a short skirt, white knee highs boots a top.. braided pigtails and cat ears along with my beloved Collar from Chris. I looked like a little school catgirl... and I got some looks... as we were leaving to go to the other park in brooksville I decided it best to change into my jeans, since the other was a climbling around playground..... so I Stripped in the parking lot throw on some jeans a few smacks to my ass and I was set....
We messed around for a bit.. took some pictures, and Chris Noticed me being awfully flirty with him, which I'm normally not, infact I haven't been really Flirty with anyone lately to be honest, I was picking on him and poking and kicking him playfully and I'm Not like that so it was awkward... We dropped Erin off and it was Just Chris and I talking.... Basically I sorta made up my mind I want to go to Texas, Just waiting on Details from Eve and Victor...we talked a lot about decisions and how he was sorry He couldn't be my boyfriend, and in all honesty I'm not sure I'd like Chris as my Boyfriend.. I love him to death and don't know what to do without him, but I don't think we'd be okay like that...........
::shrugs:: Spent the night with him and the next day we got some food and got my pet Rat...only to have to deal with mom when I got home about having 30days to change my address or get a car and insurance.. ::sighs:: I don't know what to do....
meows.
Saturday, January 5, 2008
Birthday disaster....
So I was hoping my first entry would be a tad more upbeat but alas it is not.
So My B-day was January 3rd, I turned 20.. No longer a teenager.. horray?
Well, I went out with Chris at 10pm on the 2nd.. he wanted to try and give me a good birthday and well, the start of it was nice, he kept threatening me with spankings >.> Chris Hits way to hard so it hurts a lot when he spanks so I kept avoiding him haha! at 12 he wished me a Happy Bday and so Did Steve who had called.. I was happy for a while and then I returned home around 1:30... I returned the call to Steve and he wished to spend some time with me since it was my bday and all, well, I agreed to take a cab there since he sold his truck, but the cap was over and hour wait so we talked and when it got close to time I went to sit outside and wait.... well, lets say he was uber late and I was in the cold for about an hour.. and this was one of our coldest nights mind you, when Steve called to ask they said it would be another 20 mins, I broke into tears cause I was just so cold and told him I couldn't wait any longer I was just to cold.
So that cancled I curled into bed and cried and went to sleep.... The beginning of what seems an endless curse for me....
I woke up around 1:3o that afternoon got a rather blah happy birthday from mom and my siblings annoyed me... so I curled into a ball and stayed online most of the day, even if.. half of them forgot my bday le sigh..........
Cake was a five min ordeal... and I hardly got much, but I guess thats life le sigh..... So when everyone left I cried and cried till chris got me and tried to cheer me up some but I was rather bleh...
well as I was depositing money into the bank Chris decided to give me Late birthday smacks.. so 21 right there at the bank.. bet the cameras love that.. haha!
It wasn't the worst, far from the best... but it was horrible...
btw I'm getting a Rat! yey! Kitten shall have a rat !!! mwuahahaha
So My B-day was January 3rd, I turned 20.. No longer a teenager.. horray?
Well, I went out with Chris at 10pm on the 2nd.. he wanted to try and give me a good birthday and well, the start of it was nice, he kept threatening me with spankings >.> Chris Hits way to hard so it hurts a lot when he spanks so I kept avoiding him haha! at 12 he wished me a Happy Bday and so Did Steve who had called.. I was happy for a while and then I returned home around 1:30... I returned the call to Steve and he wished to spend some time with me since it was my bday and all, well, I agreed to take a cab there since he sold his truck, but the cap was over and hour wait so we talked and when it got close to time I went to sit outside and wait.... well, lets say he was uber late and I was in the cold for about an hour.. and this was one of our coldest nights mind you, when Steve called to ask they said it would be another 20 mins, I broke into tears cause I was just so cold and told him I couldn't wait any longer I was just to cold.
So that cancled I curled into bed and cried and went to sleep.... The beginning of what seems an endless curse for me....
I woke up around 1:3o that afternoon got a rather blah happy birthday from mom and my siblings annoyed me... so I curled into a ball and stayed online most of the day, even if.. half of them forgot my bday le sigh..........
Cake was a five min ordeal... and I hardly got much, but I guess thats life le sigh..... So when everyone left I cried and cried till chris got me and tried to cheer me up some but I was rather bleh...
well as I was depositing money into the bank Chris decided to give me Late birthday smacks.. so 21 right there at the bank.. bet the cameras love that.. haha!
It wasn't the worst, far from the best... but it was horrible...
btw I'm getting a Rat! yey! Kitten shall have a rat !!! mwuahahaha
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
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