Misconceptions misguided definitions The desire to break is always that lingering Wall in the back of the mind ready to fall can't it can't hold it all... the intake of emotions without knowing how to deal, the distance in which it makes one go.. to push it all away.. till she breaks... a moment not to soon, the emotions overwhelm and the desire to keep going for a while disinagrates.
The past few days have been nothing more then tears and frustration and more and more trouble and miscommunication.. I've been at my grandmothers for a while...... I house sat for a week and kinda found myself staying here......... during this time a lot happened.. I cut myself off with Chris... basically we are nothing more then friends, no more intimacy because I don't want to be attached.. and because I find myself horrible pissy a lot around him... the main reason is a childhood friend of his or someone he's known forever likes him and the way he talks about her pisses me off....... I knew nothing more would ever be and I know we are not good for each other at all in a relationship.... I know and completely understand that... but for some reason I'm jealous an miserable.. and the time I used to spend with him his now being taken from me.... and I'm mad and frustrated....
we've gotten into several agruments over the course of these couple days to the point I was in tears screaming at him last night to make him understand how I'm feeling.. but it just was useless an I was breaking down.......
I also had to get rid of my Rats last night, and those are my babies I love them sooo much and for once in the broken home of mine I had something that was mine, that relied on me an cared for me.. that I could care for... Mom blew a fit.. and told me to get them out of I was out too...... after me having them for two months... so my birthday present is now Erin's and I'm left with nothing and no one in the lonely home...
Mom also told me basically if I do one more thing she dislikes I'm gone, so at this point I'm not sure how much longer i'll have a place to live.... since nothing I do is ever good enough for her... it never was and never will be.. I'll never make her proud and I'll never make her love me like she loves the other kids.. I understand this... but it still hurts...... She treats them all differently them me... I am the black sheep.. I am the outcast.. and therefor I am the one.. she gives the most hell to.. I am the one who never makes her happy.. who somehow hates her where she got that from I don't know.......... I am the one who goes out of my way to piss her off.... again I donno..... I've done so much I raised to kids basically for her and my sister, I gave up my childhood to help I learned to cook at the age of 12 so I could eat and the kids could eat.... I made dinner for them every night so no one had to cook when they got home it was already done, but still.... nothing I do is good enough...
she gave me two weeks to get a car I did.. all by myself with no fucking help from her or anyone.. I did everything.. I'm doing the fucking best I can.. and I'm tired of her telling me how pathetic an childish I am.... telling my sisters I'll never amount to anything.. I'll just be a pathetic pos for the entirety of my life...........
I hate it home... and I just wish I could leave..... and never, ever look back....
but life isn't a fairy tale...
I learned that... all to young.
Friday, February 29, 2008
Saturday, February 23, 2008
I'm Lonely for something I forgot about......
Jealousy is the destruction of ones self......and the consumption of the memories are painful I wish I could go back to the days where love was amazing, and all I wanted was those words whispered in my ear as I was held close, snuggled against the chest of my lover... The tears burn the face of the child as she wonders what she's done wrong to never be loved as she has loved... maybe her love is to deep for most to comprehend and maybe she should just go on being lonely for something she forgot about...
I suppose it's been like this my mind wonders whats wrong and why things never happen to me besides the bad... I'm lonely and yes I have friends but the loneliness goes so much deeper then one could comprehend I'm empty my soul is aching I want to love again and be loved I want to smile I want to laugh be held and kissed know its ok...
a year later.... and I;m just now realizing how bad this hurts....
meows.
I suppose it's been like this my mind wonders whats wrong and why things never happen to me besides the bad... I'm lonely and yes I have friends but the loneliness goes so much deeper then one could comprehend I'm empty my soul is aching I want to love again and be loved I want to smile I want to laugh be held and kissed know its ok...
a year later.... and I;m just now realizing how bad this hurts....
meows.
Saturday, February 16, 2008
The tears are distant and hollow is this how it should be? Is this the way the hopes are poured upon the darkness which we call life, and how easily this gift can be taken and is he in the right to rip the life from those who don't deserve to lose the preciousness of what was given to them....
is the world so conceided in the aspects of fairness that none see the truth that lies behind the distant cries of the innocent? Is it so much to ask for a break in the meek little world that tortures and devours the souls of the purist adolesents to prove the point that greatness can be broken?
The entry I was going to write.. was going to be about me being a horrible cunt on valentines day and refusing to allow my friend to get me a gift because I was in so much anger.. I couldn't tell why but I was just pissed off...
but I decided this to be more deep then a shallow little holiday that makes people feel like shit.
My Puppy died yesterday... The night before he was barking and playing and running around.. and within an hour he plummeted... he got sick and was shaking and looked horrible....
I had gone out for valentines and when I came home I was on the phone with a close friend of mine and I heart this HORRIBLE sound.... at first I thought it was my brother getting sick.. I heard it again and waiting for the cries... but nothing... so I went into the living room to see the poor thing shaking and sitting in a pile of liquid that looked like stomach acid and blood.
Which it turns out to be true... Mom and Dad had taken him to the Vet in the morning, they did X-rays and found nothing....and Mom and Dad didn't know he had thrown up.. at this point I felt bad cause I should have woken Daddy up to tell him, cause Odie wasn't looking good at all.... But I didn't.
And Now Not only do I have that guilt... but a much greater one... What did he die of? Well he died on the operating table... and he had eaten a stocking... I'm.. the ONLY one who has stockings in the house.. a slight fetish I seem to have.. I have tons... My parents don't know this... and mom didn't know where it came from... but I did.. they were mine..
and in short terms.. I'm basically the one.. who killed him... Mom's always telling me to pick up my things, and I've been bitter about it because I have limited room I sleep in the den... with no dressers no closet My clothing is piled on a couch .... and theres basically stuff everywhere.....
so I feel completely and utterly responsible for the death of my puppy...and it seems it is my fault...I understand it's an accident.. but.. it was still MY fault....
meows....
is the world so conceided in the aspects of fairness that none see the truth that lies behind the distant cries of the innocent? Is it so much to ask for a break in the meek little world that tortures and devours the souls of the purist adolesents to prove the point that greatness can be broken?
The entry I was going to write.. was going to be about me being a horrible cunt on valentines day and refusing to allow my friend to get me a gift because I was in so much anger.. I couldn't tell why but I was just pissed off...
but I decided this to be more deep then a shallow little holiday that makes people feel like shit.
My Puppy died yesterday... The night before he was barking and playing and running around.. and within an hour he plummeted... he got sick and was shaking and looked horrible....
I had gone out for valentines and when I came home I was on the phone with a close friend of mine and I heart this HORRIBLE sound.... at first I thought it was my brother getting sick.. I heard it again and waiting for the cries... but nothing... so I went into the living room to see the poor thing shaking and sitting in a pile of liquid that looked like stomach acid and blood.
Which it turns out to be true... Mom and Dad had taken him to the Vet in the morning, they did X-rays and found nothing....and Mom and Dad didn't know he had thrown up.. at this point I felt bad cause I should have woken Daddy up to tell him, cause Odie wasn't looking good at all.... But I didn't.
And Now Not only do I have that guilt... but a much greater one... What did he die of? Well he died on the operating table... and he had eaten a stocking... I'm.. the ONLY one who has stockings in the house.. a slight fetish I seem to have.. I have tons... My parents don't know this... and mom didn't know where it came from... but I did.. they were mine..
and in short terms.. I'm basically the one.. who killed him... Mom's always telling me to pick up my things, and I've been bitter about it because I have limited room I sleep in the den... with no dressers no closet My clothing is piled on a couch .... and theres basically stuff everywhere.....
so I feel completely and utterly responsible for the death of my puppy...and it seems it is my fault...I understand it's an accident.. but.. it was still MY fault....
meows....
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Melodies from a lonely heart.
consumption... of conformity.. and desire to be as what is expected of me... to be what i want to be and cherish the lives which fill me.. a memory so distant only the life could sing such a sorrowful song of emotionless coldness and black darkness that covers the heart of the lonely and the melodies pierce the hearts of those taken.. but are mis- interpreted to be cries of disfunctional harpies.....
Valentines day.. has never been a favorite of mine, and it just reminds me, how lonely I am.
It's always been the same.. every year... I'm alone.. or forgotten... friends remember others and not me.. I just wish once I had someone special to kind play the cheesy rolls of Valentines, and be romantic and doofy.. get a cheesy necklace with a cheesy meaning... a kiss and a smile.....
but Again this year.. I'm alone...
and still..
ice cold >.>
bleh
Valentines day.. has never been a favorite of mine, and it just reminds me, how lonely I am.
It's always been the same.. every year... I'm alone.. or forgotten... friends remember others and not me.. I just wish once I had someone special to kind play the cheesy rolls of Valentines, and be romantic and doofy.. get a cheesy necklace with a cheesy meaning... a kiss and a smile.....
but Again this year.. I'm alone...
and still..
ice cold >.>
bleh
Friday, February 8, 2008
I feel like this... so many times.. and I seem to always find myself in this situation...
"Stay"
I've been sitting here staring at the clock on the wall
And I've been laying here praying, praying she won't call
It's just another call from home
And you'll get it and be gone
And I'll be crying
And I'll be begging you, baby
Beg you not to leave
But I'll be left here waiting
With my Heart on my sleeve
Oh, for the next time we'll be here
Seems like a million years
And I think I'm dying
What do I have to do to make you see
She can't love you like me?
Why don't you stay
I'm down on my knees
I'm so tired of being lonely
Don't I give you what you need
When she calls you to go
There is one thing you should know
We don't have to live this way
Baby, why don't you stay
You keep telling me, baby
There will come a time
When you will leave her arms
And forever be in mine
But I don't think that's the truth
And I don't like being used and I'm tired of waiting
It's too much pain to have to bear
To love a man you have to share
Why don't you stay
I'm down on my knees
I'm so tired of being lonely
Don't I give you what you need
When she calls you to go
There is one thing you should know
We don't have to live this way
Baby, why don't you stay
I can't take it any longer
But my will is getting stronger
And I think I know just what I have to do
I can't waste another minute
After all that I've put in it
I've given you my best
Why does she get the best of you
So next time you find you wanna leave her bed for mine
Why don't you stay
I'm up off my knees
I'm so tired of being lonely
You can't give me what I need
When she begs you not to go
There is one thing you should know
I don't have to live this way
Baby, why don't you stay, yeah
"Stay"
I've been sitting here staring at the clock on the wall
And I've been laying here praying, praying she won't call
It's just another call from home
And you'll get it and be gone
And I'll be crying
And I'll be begging you, baby
Beg you not to leave
But I'll be left here waiting
With my Heart on my sleeve
Oh, for the next time we'll be here
Seems like a million years
And I think I'm dying
What do I have to do to make you see
She can't love you like me?
Why don't you stay
I'm down on my knees
I'm so tired of being lonely
Don't I give you what you need
When she calls you to go
There is one thing you should know
We don't have to live this way
Baby, why don't you stay
You keep telling me, baby
There will come a time
When you will leave her arms
And forever be in mine
But I don't think that's the truth
And I don't like being used and I'm tired of waiting
It's too much pain to have to bear
To love a man you have to share
Why don't you stay
I'm down on my knees
I'm so tired of being lonely
Don't I give you what you need
When she calls you to go
There is one thing you should know
We don't have to live this way
Baby, why don't you stay
I can't take it any longer
But my will is getting stronger
And I think I know just what I have to do
I can't waste another minute
After all that I've put in it
I've given you my best
Why does she get the best of you
So next time you find you wanna leave her bed for mine
Why don't you stay
I'm up off my knees
I'm so tired of being lonely
You can't give me what I need
When she begs you not to go
There is one thing you should know
I don't have to live this way
Baby, why don't you stay, yeah
Thursday, February 7, 2008
I want to.. Take your hand in mine.. you know... intertwine our fingers, those.. giggles escaping my lips... as you smile down at your little girl..... I want our fingers to brush as they become unlocked then locked again as you twirl me underneath your arm as we dance beneath the starlit sky. I want to transend the normality and beauty of a relationship into something so much more, something only you and I could ever understand.... I want to be your lover.. if you allow me to fight for you....or more so the pleasure of being yours.. if you'd have me that is, Sir.
Funny, how.. things seem to happen when least expected.. or how.. people you opt to stay back from seem to be the closest to you and I never would have imagined it.....
it makes me smile sometimes but it also makes me sad.. that when I come to reality.. it probably is never going to be.. so why continue to play the games? but it's not a game... my heart is just.. so.. weird. I guess that's the only way to explain it...
I want to start feeling again..
I want to be someones..
know I am..
be collared
and loved..
be cherished
devoted
meows..
Today was a good day of laughter and giggles.. or beginnings and ends.. and I soon hope to add more the the feelings of mixture and desire and the reality that is mine...
Funny, how.. things seem to happen when least expected.. or how.. people you opt to stay back from seem to be the closest to you and I never would have imagined it.....
it makes me smile sometimes but it also makes me sad.. that when I come to reality.. it probably is never going to be.. so why continue to play the games? but it's not a game... my heart is just.. so.. weird. I guess that's the only way to explain it...
I want to start feeling again..
I want to be someones..
know I am..
be collared
and loved..
be cherished
devoted
meows..
Today was a good day of laughter and giggles.. or beginnings and ends.. and I soon hope to add more the the feelings of mixture and desire and the reality that is mine...
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Pathetic over-analyzing
I find myself in the same situation over and over again...
Laying on my bed.. staring at the ceiling, cell phone on my chest and computer by my side.. waiting for any ounce of any bit from said person....
I sigh hopelessly and assume that it's okay, but all the while my mind is racing, and I know it's not. Simply put... I'm a naive little girl... who thinks no one would ever fuck her over...
and then... surprised and hurt as I am.. I should have expected it...but I don't.
And then people wonder why I'm so cold and distant.. why I hide myself from everyone and ignore anything that might be a sign of affection.. and as of lately, I'm starting to REALLY dislike any sort of affection shown to me...
So it's just as it always is.. plans made and then I never hear from said person all day.. when they are made for the morning.... and this just throws me off into an over-analyzing cycle of tears and frustration.. cause I think they to are going to hurt me just like the rest... especially when regular cycles are breaking......
I hate this person I am.. I hate the naivety that I transpose on a daily basis....the complexity of my mind that takes over every piece of information and twists it into a morbid reality that consumes me into breath taking tears that I probably made happen for no reason. Just because, I never think something bigger might have happened...instead it's always.. something wrong.. with me...
who am I to assume the worst of situations label each as a bad villain just because wrong was shed onto me and all I wonder is it to much to ask to let me know.. you're not interested, you're sorry, I was busy... anything to soothe the monsters raging in me...?
So for the next few hours I'll indulge my mind in twisted Realities.. pretend I don't care and force myself not to cry.... untill I know the truth...
or you really..
do...
Stand me up.
Laying on my bed.. staring at the ceiling, cell phone on my chest and computer by my side.. waiting for any ounce of any bit from said person....
I sigh hopelessly and assume that it's okay, but all the while my mind is racing, and I know it's not. Simply put... I'm a naive little girl... who thinks no one would ever fuck her over...
and then... surprised and hurt as I am.. I should have expected it...but I don't.
And then people wonder why I'm so cold and distant.. why I hide myself from everyone and ignore anything that might be a sign of affection.. and as of lately, I'm starting to REALLY dislike any sort of affection shown to me...
So it's just as it always is.. plans made and then I never hear from said person all day.. when they are made for the morning.... and this just throws me off into an over-analyzing cycle of tears and frustration.. cause I think they to are going to hurt me just like the rest... especially when regular cycles are breaking......
I hate this person I am.. I hate the naivety that I transpose on a daily basis....the complexity of my mind that takes over every piece of information and twists it into a morbid reality that consumes me into breath taking tears that I probably made happen for no reason. Just because, I never think something bigger might have happened...instead it's always.. something wrong.. with me...
who am I to assume the worst of situations label each as a bad villain just because wrong was shed onto me and all I wonder is it to much to ask to let me know.. you're not interested, you're sorry, I was busy... anything to soothe the monsters raging in me...?
So for the next few hours I'll indulge my mind in twisted Realities.. pretend I don't care and force myself not to cry.... untill I know the truth...
or you really..
do...
Stand me up.
Friday, February 1, 2008
Memories....
Are so weird...
reading journals from my past... from 2002.. I was 14...
The scary thing is I can't remember half of those events, I can't remember half the people mentioned in those entries...... I can't recall what I'm talking about half the time.... and that's just scary as hell.....
it was only six years ago... and I can't remember any of it..... how weird....
memories are so weird.....
it was like I was reading someone elses life....
but.. it was mine.........
reading journals from my past... from 2002.. I was 14...
The scary thing is I can't remember half of those events, I can't remember half the people mentioned in those entries...... I can't recall what I'm talking about half the time.... and that's just scary as hell.....
it was only six years ago... and I can't remember any of it..... how weird....
memories are so weird.....
it was like I was reading someone elses life....
but.. it was mine.........
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