Update.. thoughts... tragidies..

I haven't written in forever.. and for this I am sorry.. So much has happened so many thoughts have filled my head and i have tried to make sense of everything..

basically i'm working a lot... i have my own apartment now with L.J...
I got hurt at work and now have a fracture in my back but I continue to go to work everyday... I try.. that's for sure...
My relationship with my parents is basically none exsistant and I suppose that's ok.. My grandmother tells me shes proud of me daily for the most part or when she can..

My Relationship with L.J. is complicated... its both miserable and frustrating as well as wonderful... he's taught me a lot and I've grown up a lot.. but i've also changed and i'm not so sure I am found of that... I'm not the same person i was a few months ago and i guess that scares me..
He is hard to be around he is severly bipolar has ptsd he screams a lot and makes me feel like shit.. i work full time while he sits at home and plays video games cause hes on disability but expects me to do everything and I can not I am only one person. He makes a lot of comments.. and he destroys me sometimes.. i feel weird or feel like I'm just here and i'm not even sure I'm in love with him... i'm just here and it works.. I guess.......

I dont know.. i'm just trying to make it threw life right now..,

confused and distraught.. i just want to be happy..

Lost...

a simple object of affection. Or is it Infection? A disease so terribly unwilled into the deepest darkest locked room willed away from all those who could aknowledge the thoughts of someone so pure hearted and lost.

It's been a while I suppose a lot's happened since I've updated.. And then not so much..
Working for wal-mart has been an experience in it's own that's for sure. I enjoy it for the most part some things are stressful but I enjoy interacting with the others and it gives me a bit of a social life I haven't had since I was in highschool. I like the regulars who always try and make me smile. And I like the feeling when someone tells me I've been a huge help or I work well. I've gotten Fast. Granted I've made a few mistakes, mostly miner anyone can make.. it happens I can't be perfect all the time. I'm coming up on my 90 days soon. So hopefully I get to keep my job. I do work hard. :nods:

Home life is interesting. It's Shawn, LJ and I living here. I've managed to get a Bed and some small things here and there I'm still working on things but it's really hard. I don't make much and it seems like every paycheck doesn't go far.. For example I got paid 520 thursday I now have 15 dollars in my account.. and I'm behind on the internet bill. Between LJ and I we make 1600 a month.. that's really not much.. at all. He gets food stamps which helps to a degree but heres how the bills look, 400 for rent, 100 for insurance, 150 for internet/cable ( we choose that bill to pay instead of electric) about 300 a month in gas, 150 or so in food plus food stamps. His phone. and then misc. Things like my car lately has needed so much work.. so we are pretty much not doing awsome.. but meh.

I Think I'm happy... I don't know.. it's hard.. He;s on SSI he was in the Army he has a lot of mental problems like anxiety and depression, he gets mad at me sometimes, we don't have sex and that doesn't bother me so much in all honesty.. it's more the fact of I want attention I want to be kissed meh, I just I donno ::shrugs:: I want to be spoiled and treated like I'm more of a girlfriend then just a girl he shares his room with.. you know?

I dont have friends right now. Chris and I no longer talk much. LJ hates him and I'm really disappointed in him for the most part. I miss him but I guess it happens.

LJ says he wants to be with me for a long time, I've known him since I was ten so it's been ten years, we've had such seperate lives I wonder if it will work..

I feel so lost..

and I don't know what to do..

I really need some friends... bad.

Updates.

It's truly been awhile since I've updated.

Life is busy.. Very much so.. I spend my days With L.J. I'm growing up a lot and learning each day.
I work currently at Wal-Mart in Valrico, FL. Or Brandon I suppose. I'm a Cashier in the Garden Center full time, and I actually enjoy it.. It's fun I work with a lot of awesome people I get along well with one of the managers so it's not all that bad.

Starting to get my room together just got a bed.. been getting small things here and there... I need some clothes badly... ::shrugs:: been down here and there but for the most part I'm happy....

other then that theres nothing els I'll work on details later... but I'm alive and well..

^0^

Story of the prodigies

imperative repercussions....decipher the ability to dream in a more apparent faze that is in fact reality.

Life, the way it works is an amazing work of art.. each stroke proceeds to complete a perfect painting that in the eyes is beautiful.. life is beautiful... very much so.. when we can see through the dark clouds that over shadow everything.

Recently I've almost lost everything and in some small blessing I managed to keep it.. and be blessed with the most unbelievable friends any one could ever ask for.. and I realized this while we were in the car together going to the mall...... It's said if you have one very good friend you're doing better then the majority of people in the world.. well I have about six.. they would do anything for me as I would for them and we all get along... so we are all a huge group of amazing friends who take care of one another. We are truly blessed. I think it's true when they say god made friends to make up for family.

So I will be spending my Days in Valrico with these amazing people. I should be starting work soon which i'm excited and scared about at the same time, but I know I can do it. Or atleast I'll do my best :nods: We got a new roommate too ^0^ Someone I've known since I was a little girl.. he dated my older sister when I was about Ten.. we started talking again and when things went bad at his place Shawn and I agreed to go get him to get him out of there for a bit so we did :nods: Shawn and him hit it off really well... so now he's here. He's safe we will never let anything bad happen to him I know I wont, I'll do everything in my power to make sure he's ok and safe... :nods:

Adoration is an interesting factor... life takes a path and irony swirls around like a mad illness, how is it that things like this can happen? Is it truly fact that everything happens for a reason, is it odd that paths cross like this? I wonder... and can't wait to see..

for now I am safe I am happy.. I have love.. I have friendship I have more then I could ever have wished for,....

thank you,.

Decipher the Stars the never ending Reality.

Delusion.. absence of purity in a mindset so jumbled by uncertainties. A distance well traveled in the shoes of what seems to be a timid girl, she crawls underneath for she fears the desires that consume her body.

convulsion of the mind. Decipher what is reality, and just fantasy, a disembodied memory to pacify the demons that lurk inside the heart. bleeding in temptation.

Longing for emotion, a caress, anything that proves that she is just as mortal as the next soul near her.
Remembrance of a time when smiles filled the air, twirling to the beat of a rapid cord, the melody so intoxicating, so invigorating.

Lullaby.. surrender... choose the path laid so eloquently before the eyes that burn rapidly, a wisdom untold in a child....
her heart breaths..
just a moment..

quiet.
The innocence of the girl, her eyes, they never ever lie. Her dreams so fulfilled in deepest recognition.. the time slows..
complete.
stop.

One foot in front of the other...
further, you seek what lies in darkness.
The shadows that tell a story so morbidly beautiful.
Thar not even the purest can turn away, but are lured in my the insanities that trial the mind.
Why.
whispers tickle her ear and shiver runs down the spin circling it till it reaches the heart.. then pulls...
yanking..
yearning..
to rip out the piece that makes us.. just like them....

bodies, intertwined...Passionate.. alluring, lustful incredibility.
Faster.
liquid, dripping.
Mixing.
One.. becoming one..
one being who's mind is lost in ecstasy.

Timidly...her eyes search for the moment...
when she knows.. she will be...
his.

suffocating.

I'm suffocating ... I'm lost and hurting, and hiding from the world..

My life has spiraled and I want structure more then anything right now.. I crave it I need it.. oh god.. I do..

The past month or so has been a hectic whirlwind of Drama, nonsense and pain.. more so then I'd ever care to have... And I'm so numb.

I came to brandon to get my Car fixed... Car is fixed but at a huge price...
One is me getting hurt from a lying asshole...... but I'm stupid and naive so I guess it happens....
Another is I was kicked out.. or more or less my shit was packed when I returned home so I took it and left...... then my mother called me and screamed at me because how dare I come take my shit while they weren't there...

I've been "disowned" Apparently.. So whatever..

I also can NOT go to school.. atleast not for four years which kills me inside.. so much. Cause I want that more then anything..
I'm not sure what to do really....

I need help I know that.. I need structure..
I'm loosing my mind, I'm distraught, I'm always tired, I'm losing weight... I want to cut so fucking bad but I wont I can't stand this anymore... it's so fucking hard everyday.. it hurts so much..

oh god.. I need help..

please..

Thoughtful consumption.

Have you ever sat back and wondered... just thought about the possibilities.. the chances you mistook the lies you told, the people you deceived just to be something.. someone.. come out somewhere... have you wished so hard you could change the hands of time, back just a little to replace the insolence, the false pretense of the memories you fight so hard to keep?

Have you ever smiled and looked over you're shoulder knowing that the walk in closet you have to hold your skeletons was never.. deep enough... and yet you still cram the secrets known only to you, the memories you wish to in close in a vault to never escape to never be, ever again..

And Yet we still fight to hold on to what we could lose.. What matters least the insignificant things... The thises and thats that consume our morality......

Did you ever realize you take for granted the things that you knew you shouldn't... then when you're struggling.. wondering if there will be another meal... will there be another moment in which you no longer have to worry if theres enough to feed them and you, to make it just till the next check comes.... have you ever wondered.. what it would be like... to live the American dream?

And there are children who fight to be excepted in society who struggle to be something instead of nothing yet the irony of it is society can't except the way it's made itself.. and that it is nothing instead of something and the conformity is the tragedy and the non conformist are the ones who will come out on top and not rely on what society tells them...

Have you ever thought you were a robot nothing more then a worthless piece of machine set to do whatever master commanded of you... you can't think for yourself you only feel what you're "supposed" to feel and in the end you are still a hunk of metal who's only purpose is to do what the big man said.....

And those dreams you once had meant nothing, never would. You know.. When they said you could be anything, they Lied.. it was just a way to make people feel like they had some importance in life, when, you don't.....

Amounting to nothing is probably the best you could amount to in a world so screwed up... Running from demons, who only wish to posses the conscience mind and inform it.. there is no silver lining so stop wasting time in a building hoping some damn God will make life better.

Or the thoughts that flutter the human emotion that makes us all babbling fools.. The Wants.. No NEEDS that consume us, without it we are pathetic meaningless functions that can't compute the simplest of ideas... The others have that home which we seek in something no someone else.. to make us whole to complete the circle that was never meant to be completed.

When will we realize there will never be a "home" A place you can relax and forget all the insecurities, ..home is in the mind of the processor.. the mind that runs a million miles an hour.. the one you can never escape and therefore will never escape reality and the false ideal home in which we endlessly want, but we can never escape the memories, we can move to the end of the earth and still... something or someone will remind us of what we were running from in the first place.

And still we wonder.... if only, we had that once chance, we took that one path, we made that one decision, none of it would be like this.... And instead of blaming ourselves we blame a false insecurity that thing we call God.... We make excuses for why our lives are so distraught but never once, could we suck up the pride and admit it was our fault...

So on and so forth, the battle strives to have a reason.. a excuse to make it okay... will we ever be ok will we have have the memories we wanted to keep or will everything be lost....

We've made this life the way it is.... Love will never be what it once was that innocence, that feeling of unbelievable emotion... That security.. it will always be a need.... it will always be insecure, there will always be pain.... be it in memories, or in present.. there will always be fights and musunderstandisngs... love will never be perfect... love will never be what it once was...

If only... we could change the hands of time...

..

none descriptive mortality of illness and deceit....
life of willing to be blasphemous...

I've been in Brandon for the majority of a few weeks... I have a new Boyfriend and made some amazing friends.... I've done things normally I'd be to scared to do, I've taken steps and moved on... I've given up and gave in.. and fought all in the mist of a short span that's throwing my life into a spiral...

The residents of this Small Two bedroom apartment are John and Shawn... John being my BF and Shawn being a new very good friend of mine and Johns good friend.... I've been offered a place to live and as trails may have it my reluctance stands in the way of me ever accomplishing anything cause we all know the trails I've had with myself about Texas. So I've ignored it and went about, I want to get a Job here but I'm reluctant once again, but I know if I'm home I'll never accomplish a damn thing, besides, I really like it here in Brandon. It brings me closer to some other friends as well.

But heres the battle I am always in, I feel horribly unwanted by him, the new BF. Maybe it's my insecurities, but it seems as I'm here just because, I serve no real purpose to him, I am but a mere little doll that sits and is pretty, nothing more. Just a girl to take the place of what was lost, till something better comes along. And yes, this is honestly how I feel. Again it's probably just me, but with the past I've had it seems to happen a lot. So now I'm left here wondering, should I just pack and leave? Or wait and see? I'm tired of the game called love.. which only ends in hurt, I'm ready to start this thing called life, and I'd love to have someone at my side....... I can't read him and it pisses me off.. I seem like a needy child ... and sometimes I wonder if I'm good for anyone.., I wonder if I'm good enough or I'll ever make someone happy.....

Not to mention the fact I feel unattractive to him.... so I don't know.... sometimes I wish I'd get hey you're beautiful... it's just weird things.. or you look good today.. something... I dont know... meows..... le sigh...

I dont know,

....

liar
deceitful
little
cunt

Afraid of falling..

Is it weird..
that I am scared..
no.. terrified..
of falling for you?

Is it okay..
that my heart races..
and I shiver... when you look at me..
that..
way..

you know where your eyes caress my body..
that smile plays on your lips.
and I'm left shuddering at the will of emotion?

The playful banter.. the want.
is it ok.. to desire this?

Falling so helplessly
to the beat of your heart.
My body surrenders..
I'm lost.
in the simplicity
of your soul.

surrender.
to this.

The will that consumes..
the innocence still hidden within..
the time of devious illusions.
the lust of purity.
non existence...

is it ok... to be timid.
the meekness of a child.
the crimson caress to the flesh.
never like this..
not for them..
but you..

you seem different.
you made me feel alive,
feel emotions I thought I lost.

and Oddly, I'm growing found.
of this boyie.. I desire.
but still so scared..

of Falling..

for you.

/Fin
Kitten.
S.C

Release.

She passed soundly... looking at the clock..... it would be hours before.... before she could. She wasn't sure, she was scared, but she knew it was for the best... she knew.. she needed this.

The pent up emotions played on her daily life, she snapped at the people closest to her. She ignored calls and avoiding conversations. Her memories vivid, she couldn't escape the web she carefully designed, the one she learned to hide all her secrets, her tears, her anger in. The one that was slowly destroying her.

Sitting down she curled up, a sigh escaping her lips. Her eyes closing for a moment as she thought, she was very new to all this, opening up was never an option in the past. She had to hide, had to keep secrets, crying wasn't allowed. It wasn't! And as she moved into this new life the habits of the past haunted her.

But he had had enough. He was tired of the lies, tired of her hiding away. He was tired of the shortness in her responses. He was done. It was time. He had been calm and understanding with her at first, but he was tired of putting effort into someone that wouldn't except it.. He was taking it into his own hands this time... He was going to give her the release she needed... and there was no way she was running this time.

"Eight" he said dryly on the other end.. Her pause annoyed him. "Eight, Do you understand?"
"yessir" Came her meek answer, he wished she was a little more confident, he wished she wasn't like this.
"Good" with that said the phone clicked and she was left with the emptiness, the silence, unsure of what was to be, but knew it wasn't going to be likable.

The door left open as he asked, he slipped in noticing the curled up cat-like girl asleep on the couch, he was late, just a tad bit, but that was his plan. He wanted to make her impatient, he wanted her to squirm and wonder. He wanted her mind to be overwhelmed with all possibilities. It seemed his plan had failed. Asleep, and probably so for hours, she wouldn't even know he was late and the effect he wanted now ruined. Annoyed he went to the room to prepare.

Softly he caressed her cheek his fingers weaving through her hair, whispering into her ear. "Wake up." slowly and surely she stretched out and opened her eyes. Sitting up quickly looking down her hands in her lap as she tried to sit "proper" for her sir. He gave a half smile and proceeded to lecture her about falling asleep instead of waiting for him. How she could have been doing many things; Chores, writing, homework, etc. None of which was done, but he expected that. He knew her mind well enough to realize the worry and the curiosity would be all that drove her today.
Glancing at the clock she whimpered, "You're late."
He gave her a weird look thinking carefully as he choose his words. "I'm allowed to be. Leave it at that." He knew she'd ask why.. he admired her curiosity she got the answer she wanted and wouldn't let it go unless she understood, it was a blessing and a curse and god it pissed him off.
"Up" was all he said and walked off she followed wondering, he was being rather short with her today and she hated it. Once in the room he sat down on the chair grabbing her wrist and in one slick movement she was over his lap and pinned down, the spanking starting before she even had time to comprehend what was happening. A gasp escaping followed by a few protests as he slid down the skirt and panties to give her the proper spanking.
Protesting and complaining all the while her legs kicking she was getting annoyed. He hadn't spanked her before without her ever knowing and she was a little upset. Tired of her games he rose his voice.. "Be still and knock off the bullshit little girl, I mean it!" He was usually calm and soft spoken with her, never raising his voice, doing so scared her. She stiffened up and quieted down. The only sounds now were whimpers from the sting that was slowly rising. He continued hitting harder and faster now, he would get it out of her.. no matter how long it took. Her stubbornness would only hold out for a bit.

The tears slowly fell but she fought it back. She took what she had to take her mind trying to escape the building pain, she could ignore his hand for the most part, she had many times. She breathed heavily as she chocked back on her tears. She could succeed, or so she thought. He thrust her up off his lap to a standing position and pointed to the corner, she complied and waited.

Determined as he was he grabbed the cane."Come." He commanded. She saw the implement and stopped. "Come I said!" His voice rose again sending shudders through her body. She refused to move, he knew she didn't like it he knew she wouldn't come near him. It wasn't happening.
His patience wearing he walked to her and grabbed her softly pushing her down on the bed cuffing her hands, she wasn't going to move. "Don't make me get the ankle cuffs, it wont be so bad, I promise." He gave her the first swat. She cried out in pain and struggled against the restraints but she knew as well as he they wouldn't come lose.
He proceeded to lecture her about her attitude, about how she's been. He told her he was tired of the lies and tired of her hiding her emotions from him. That from now on, she would write a journal entry each night before her bed time filling in thoughts and emotions and they would be discussed the next night. She would no longer hide anything from him. His words filled her in between the cries of pain. She could feel it building, the release. The pain filling her and his words knocking down those walls. She felt horrible for her actions, she never meant to be that way. Never.

Finally she could no longer take it the pain filled her and she was overwhelmed. She began to cry in great bouts. Releasing all the pent up frustration, the fears, the sadness. He rubbed her bottom for a few moments before releasing her and scooping up the crying mess. Pressing her to his chest snuggling and kissing her head. Whispers dancing into her ears, it would be ok. He caressed and petted her telling her it would be fine, he was there and wasn't going anywhere.

She cried herself to sleep and he smiled. Hard lessons need to be learned. He wasn't about to let her destroy herself. Those emotions were no good to be confined. It would be ok.




Meow... I need a release so bad.... This might be crappy but I JUST wrote it.. so give me credit.... I feel like I'll never get the release I need, I can't cry. And talking doesn't help.. the problems will still be there.. and without a clear head I'm scared I'll make choices and decisions I really don't mean or want. Meows.....

destruction.

escaping.. disfunctional... repression.. illusion ..desires ...it's not that it's ok or that it will be it's not that she's needy.. it's she tired of feeling so lonely.. so unwanted... undesired.. unloved....

it never ceases.. the pain continues the loneliness is overwhelming but the tears wont fall.. I just am at the end of what I can deal with anymore..... I can't seem to get it out of my head I'll never be good enough... I never have for my parents and it doesnt seem I ever will.. and I'm never ever good enough to be someones..... ever... I'll be alone forever it seems. Nothings changed as much as I've tried as much as I've pushed and told myself it's ok it will get better.. it hasn't.. what do I have here why am I staying here....?

I have a friend who's pushed me aside cause he's found someone more worthwhile then spending time with me.. and when he does he yells at me.....
I have someone I care for that will never be mine and it's a silly bullshit thought to even pursue anything out of it....
and memories which are killing me everything I breath... I'm slowly dying here... and continuing to smile those fake fucking smiles!
I've been single over a year... I've dated oh god, have I dated and I am NEVER EVER good enough! for anyone! Nothing I do... Nothing..... why doesn't anyone want me? Why am I only good for bullshit!
What is wrong with me.. that I'm not material enough to be someones...... meows...

Am I going to have to except that I am never going to be good enough? I'm never going to be what someone wants? am I just a fuck up?.... What's wrong with me..?

My mind is troubled with so many things and on top of it.. I'm not even sure what keeps me here in florida should I leave for Texas? I have a place to live to VERY supportive friends... I could start over...

I don't know what to do... I just know.. I'm tired..

oh
so
very....

tired.......

This isn't me...

I sometimes feel.. as if I am not myself.. as if It's like I'm out of body looking on at myself.... the trauma and tragedies that have consumed my life take over my body and make me seem like I am not the one experiencing it...

I don't think I could explain it anymore..... I feel as the time draws nearer and nearer... I'm remembering more, anytime the name "causeway" comes up I cringe and "fade" off.. looking out the window, as it if was that night.. as it it was happening.. again.......

It's almost been a year.. and healing.. is hard... especially when the violation of one.. turned into someone you thought you could trust... continuing.. like it was a nightmare passed on from one to another to eternally destroy.. the girl......

It was almost a year ago when I was raped, a fault of mine for being so careless and pretending like I didn't care what happened to me, and at the time, I really.. didn't....until it happened....then my world and attitude shifted, maybe it was one of those everything happens for a reason "lessons" to get me out of the destructive path I was set on... or maybe it was another sick ploy to amuse this said "God" because he was bored that night.

It was a struggle to get home, a thought of helplessness, and a finally giving in.....and the memories of the night even at this moment are blurry and hard to figure out........I just remember falling out of the truck and sitting in the sand for a moment almost in a zombie like state trying to clean myself of the vile that was poured into my body......... then blanking out.. till I woke the morning next... I was home, I was in bed.. I was in the same clothes as the night before.. I was safe... for the most part.. I was home, but the way there, I don't remember, the conversatation I don't remember, I don't know anything....

so this journal was trigged more so by Chris.. Teasing me that I had multiple personalities.. and as he meant it for a joke.. I kinda sat back a little and stared at him, saying.."maybe you're right."

Another look from him and the conversatation was over... before it even began... but it stuck in my head... could this explain why I don't remember half the events the people, the feelings the things.... that's happened in my life.. infact if I didn't write half it down.. I wouldn't remember shit. Could it be that I go away and someone else takes over? It's funny to think about.. it's funny to try and think about it.. I just am not sure..

so as the days draw closer, and the memories are more vivid.. I wonder if I'll be o k .

Break down...lost home.

Misconceptions misguided definitions The desire to break is always that lingering Wall in the back of the mind ready to fall can't it can't hold it all... the intake of emotions without knowing how to deal, the distance in which it makes one go.. to push it all away.. till she breaks... a moment not to soon, the emotions overwhelm and the desire to keep going for a while disinagrates.

The past few days have been nothing more then tears and frustration and more and more trouble and miscommunication.. I've been at my grandmothers for a while...... I house sat for a week and kinda found myself staying here......... during this time a lot happened.. I cut myself off with Chris... basically we are nothing more then friends, no more intimacy because I don't want to be attached.. and because I find myself horrible pissy a lot around him... the main reason is a childhood friend of his or someone he's known forever likes him and the way he talks about her pisses me off....... I knew nothing more would ever be and I know we are not good for each other at all in a relationship.... I know and completely understand that... but for some reason I'm jealous an miserable.. and the time I used to spend with him his now being taken from me.... and I'm mad and frustrated....

we've gotten into several agruments over the course of these couple days to the point I was in tears screaming at him last night to make him understand how I'm feeling.. but it just was useless an I was breaking down.......

I also had to get rid of my Rats last night, and those are my babies I love them sooo much and for once in the broken home of mine I had something that was mine, that relied on me an cared for me.. that I could care for... Mom blew a fit.. and told me to get them out of I was out too...... after me having them for two months... so my birthday present is now Erin's and I'm left with nothing and no one in the lonely home...

Mom also told me basically if I do one more thing she dislikes I'm gone, so at this point I'm not sure how much longer i'll have a place to live.... since nothing I do is ever good enough for her... it never was and never will be.. I'll never make her proud and I'll never make her love me like she loves the other kids.. I understand this... but it still hurts...... She treats them all differently them me... I am the black sheep.. I am the outcast.. and therefor I am the one.. she gives the most hell to.. I am the one who never makes her happy.. who somehow hates her where she got that from I don't know.......... I am the one who goes out of my way to piss her off.... again I donno..... I've done so much I raised to kids basically for her and my sister, I gave up my childhood to help I learned to cook at the age of 12 so I could eat and the kids could eat.... I made dinner for them every night so no one had to cook when they got home it was already done, but still.... nothing I do is good enough...

she gave me two weeks to get a car I did.. all by myself with no fucking help from her or anyone.. I did everything.. I'm doing the fucking best I can.. and I'm tired of her telling me how pathetic an childish I am.... telling my sisters I'll never amount to anything.. I'll just be a pathetic pos for the entirety of my life...........

I hate it home... and I just wish I could leave..... and never, ever look back....
but life isn't a fairy tale...

I learned that... all to young.

I'm Lonely for something I forgot about......

Jealousy is the destruction of ones self......and the consumption of the memories are painful I wish I could go back to the days where love was amazing, and all I wanted was those words whispered in my ear as I was held close, snuggled against the chest of my lover... The tears burn the face of the child as she wonders what she's done wrong to never be loved as she has loved... maybe her love is to deep for most to comprehend and maybe she should just go on being lonely for something she forgot about...

I suppose it's been like this my mind wonders whats wrong and why things never happen to me besides the bad... I'm lonely and yes I have friends but the loneliness goes so much deeper then one could comprehend I'm empty my soul is aching I want to love again and be loved I want to smile I want to laugh be held and kissed know its ok...

a year later.... and I;m just now realizing how bad this hurts....

meows.

The tears are distant and hollow is this how it should be? Is this the way the hopes are poured upon the darkness which we call life, and how easily this gift can be taken and is he in the right to rip the life from those who don't deserve to lose the preciousness of what was given to them....

is the world so conceided in the aspects of fairness that none see the truth that lies behind the distant cries of the innocent? Is it so much to ask for a break in the meek little world that tortures and devours the souls of the purist adolesents to prove the point that greatness can be broken?

The entry I was going to write.. was going to be about me being a horrible cunt on valentines day and refusing to allow my friend to get me a gift because I was in so much anger.. I couldn't tell why but I was just pissed off...

but I decided this to be more deep then a shallow little holiday that makes people feel like shit.

My Puppy died yesterday... The night before he was barking and playing and running around.. and within an hour he plummeted... he got sick and was shaking and looked horrible....
I had gone out for valentines and when I came home I was on the phone with a close friend of mine and I heart this HORRIBLE sound.... at first I thought it was my brother getting sick.. I heard it again and waiting for the cries... but nothing... so I went into the living room to see the poor thing shaking and sitting in a pile of liquid that looked like stomach acid and blood.

Which it turns out to be true... Mom and Dad had taken him to the Vet in the morning, they did X-rays and found nothing....and Mom and Dad didn't know he had thrown up.. at this point I felt bad cause I should have woken Daddy up to tell him, cause Odie wasn't looking good at all.... But I didn't.

And Now Not only do I have that guilt... but a much greater one... What did he die of? Well he died on the operating table... and he had eaten a stocking... I'm.. the ONLY one who has stockings in the house.. a slight fetish I seem to have.. I have tons... My parents don't know this... and mom didn't know where it came from... but I did.. they were mine..

and in short terms.. I'm basically the one.. who killed him... Mom's always telling me to pick up my things, and I've been bitter about it because I have limited room I sleep in the den... with no dressers no closet My clothing is piled on a couch .... and theres basically stuff everywhere.....

so I feel completely and utterly responsible for the death of my puppy...and it seems it is my fault...I understand it's an accident.. but.. it was still MY fault....

meows....

Melodies from a lonely heart.

consumption... of conformity.. and desire to be as what is expected of me... to be what i want to be and cherish the lives which fill me.. a memory so distant only the life could sing such a sorrowful song of emotionless coldness and black darkness that covers the heart of the lonely and the melodies pierce the hearts of those taken.. but are mis- interpreted to be cries of disfunctional harpies.....

Valentines day.. has never been a favorite of mine, and it just reminds me, how lonely I am.

It's always been the same.. every year... I'm alone.. or forgotten... friends remember others and not me.. I just wish once I had someone special to kind play the cheesy rolls of Valentines, and be romantic and doofy.. get a cheesy necklace with a cheesy meaning... a kiss and a smile.....

but Again this year.. I'm alone...

and still..

ice cold >.>

bleh

I feel like this... so many times.. and I seem to always find myself in this situation...


"Stay"

I've been sitting here staring at the clock on the wall
And I've been laying here praying, praying she won't call
It's just another call from home
And you'll get it and be gone
And I'll be crying

And I'll be begging you, baby
Beg you not to leave
But I'll be left here waiting
With my Heart on my sleeve
Oh, for the next time we'll be here
Seems like a million years
And I think I'm dying

What do I have to do to make you see
She can't love you like me?

Why don't you stay
I'm down on my knees
I'm so tired of being lonely
Don't I give you what you need
When she calls you to go
There is one thing you should know
We don't have to live this way
Baby, why don't you stay

You keep telling me, baby
There will come a time
When you will leave her arms
And forever be in mine
But I don't think that's the truth
And I don't like being used and I'm tired of waiting
It's too much pain to have to bear
To love a man you have to share

Why don't you stay
I'm down on my knees
I'm so tired of being lonely
Don't I give you what you need
When she calls you to go
There is one thing you should know
We don't have to live this way
Baby, why don't you stay

I can't take it any longer
But my will is getting stronger
And I think I know just what I have to do
I can't waste another minute
After all that I've put in it
I've given you my best
Why does she get the best of you
So next time you find you wanna leave her bed for mine

Why don't you stay
I'm up off my knees
I'm so tired of being lonely
You can't give me what I need
When she begs you not to go
There is one thing you should know
I don't have to live this way
Baby, why don't you stay, yeah

I want to.. Take your hand in mine.. you know... intertwine our fingers, those.. giggles escaping my lips... as you smile down at your little girl..... I want our fingers to brush as they become unlocked then locked again as you twirl me underneath your arm as we dance beneath the starlit sky. I want to transend the normality and beauty of a relationship into something so much more, something only you and I could ever understand.... I want to be your lover.. if you allow me to fight for you....or more so the pleasure of being yours.. if you'd have me that is, Sir.

Funny, how.. things seem to happen when least expected.. or how.. people you opt to stay back from seem to be the closest to you and I never would have imagined it.....

it makes me smile sometimes but it also makes me sad.. that when I come to reality.. it probably is never going to be.. so why continue to play the games? but it's not a game... my heart is just.. so.. weird. I guess that's the only way to explain it...

I want to start feeling again..
I want to be someones..
know I am..
be collared
and loved..
be cherished
devoted
meows..

Today was a good day of laughter and giggles.. or beginnings and ends.. and I soon hope to add more the the feelings of mixture and desire and the reality that is mine...

Pathetic over-analyzing

I find myself in the same situation over and over again...

Laying on my bed.. staring at the ceiling, cell phone on my chest and computer by my side.. waiting for any ounce of any bit from said person....

I sigh hopelessly and assume that it's okay, but all the while my mind is racing, and I know it's not. Simply put... I'm a naive little girl... who thinks no one would ever fuck her over...

and then... surprised and hurt as I am.. I should have expected it...but I don't.

And then people wonder why I'm so cold and distant.. why I hide myself from everyone and ignore anything that might be a sign of affection.. and as of lately, I'm starting to REALLY dislike any sort of affection shown to me...

So it's just as it always is.. plans made and then I never hear from said person all day.. when they are made for the morning.... and this just throws me off into an over-analyzing cycle of tears and frustration.. cause I think they to are going to hurt me just like the rest... especially when regular cycles are breaking......

I hate this person I am.. I hate the naivety that I transpose on a daily basis....the complexity of my mind that takes over every piece of information and twists it into a morbid reality that consumes me into breath taking tears that I probably made happen for no reason. Just because, I never think something bigger might have happened...instead it's always.. something wrong.. with me...

who am I to assume the worst of situations label each as a bad villain just because wrong was shed onto me and all I wonder is it to much to ask to let me know.. you're not interested, you're sorry, I was busy... anything to soothe the monsters raging in me...?

So for the next few hours I'll indulge my mind in twisted Realities.. pretend I don't care and force myself not to cry.... untill I know the truth...

or you really..

do...

Stand me up.

Memories....

Are so weird...

reading journals from my past... from 2002.. I was 14...

The scary thing is I can't remember half of those events, I can't remember half the people mentioned in those entries...... I can't recall what I'm talking about half the time.... and that's just scary as hell.....

it was only six years ago... and I can't remember any of it..... how weird....

memories are so weird.....

it was like I was reading someone elses life....

but.. it was mine.........

Ticket....

Soooo My car is running once again and a friend called needed a ride and what not so I went to get him.. not really knowing where I was and at night things look a lot different too.. he said he knew where he was and could give me good directions... welll... he's good directions landing in me turning down a one way street and I didn't see the "wrong way" till I had already turned... Not like people make mistakes right?

Well a cop happened to be behind me.. my luck right? and well I got a ticket.... which kinda annoyed me cause he could clearly see I've had my license only maybeeeee three months and my car no longer then like a week and wrote me a ticket.. my first offense... Ass >.> so now I have a 122dollar ticket to pay and no way to pay it... and my "friend" didn't even apologize... which pissed me off.. yes I should have maybe paid more attention but shitttttt it's just as much his fault as mine.... so I was in hysterics.. cause I can't afford this.... and he's telling me it's not that bad.. OMG? your not the one with limited money till a job.. and have insurance due in a week GAH!!!!!!

so I'm upset as ever I go to pull down the road I was told and took it straight down to a park so I could re-compose myself and be ok.... well.. I went to turn my car off and it wouldn't turn off... which sent me into a bit of a panic... btw my car needs a new tumbler set so its a bitch to turn the key in...

well I got it to turn off but tried to turn it on again and I couldn't I put all my strength into trying to start it and i couldn't... so now I'm in full panic hysteria.. and he's just like whatever so I get out of the car to breath crying away... and like I mean it.. it sucked.. and I'm trying to think of what to do.. cause I still never brought him home like I said.. when I messaged Chris...

I told my friend to call around and get a ride cause I couldn't take him home cause my car obviously wasnt going to start he even tried to start it... well he kind of blew a fit and started yelling at me telling me it was bullshit and I needed to get him a ride and my friend SHOULD give him a ride I told him it was going to be ATLEAST if not longer then 40mins till chris Got there and he was already complaining about being cold....so I was screaming at him horribly upset he';s on the phone bitching to friends that im such a horrible person... and then leaves without a fucking word.. leaving me alone Bymyself in a park at 12 at night... awesome right?

Chris finally gets there and I'm a mess.. but he starts my car in an instant with a screw driver.. yea now I feel retarded and have a ticket to boot.. soo.. I'm unhappy.. to say the least.. ARG!!!!!!!!

unfeeling.....

is it supposed to be like this... when you're seeing someone you could care less if they are late or if they even show...

is it when you see them you don't get excited it's just another day and another person.... it's so awkward I mean you can see it in them the way the look at you and smile.. they way they touch you.. you can tell they missed you but yet... I rarely react to it..... so do they know and not care? Can they tell I don't care?? that it doesn't faze me that they missed me and they hold me and cling like they really did miss having me around?

What the hell is wrong with me?

mehhhhhhhh

undying emotions.... relapse

I guess my body feels the year comming.. The time when things seem to shift for me... it was around this time I started to feel empty.... soon in the comming months.. I'll under go more pain then I thought I could have possibly lived through.. and the relapse of time consumes what I thought happened soo long ago.....

It amazes me how quickly time goes by and the moments that linger, don't linger long enough.. or the horrors stick around for time and time again.... and night terrors consume us, where we wake in sweats and no longer know what to think.. cause not only in reality are we not free from the memories but we are no longer safe in our dreams.. so what is comfort.... what is escaping?

Desperately I have found myself.. trying to outrun the realities that have been set before me on the path I long ago decided to walk down.... and yet I find myself.. beginning yet once more down the same path.. yet it's just a memory of what once was.. and the pain makes it hard to breath.... there and simple things that trigger it... a site... a small... a persons eyes.. or the way they touch you.. it doesn't take much to go into convulsions of tears that make it hard to ever imagine you got home safe... and all you lost was you're intimacy .... your way of showing you care in a passionate dance of arousal and erotica.. and then nothing seems so bad.. you still are breathing.. you're still alive.. and knowing people have been through more then you makes it that much easier to keep going..... but it doesn't it's the mind set of the child who tried to keep her head up only to be acknowledge as something more then she really is and yet the desire to hold onto her is overwhelming as she speaks such dignity and truth and tries to tell you she is her and not the child that you all can plainly see who grasps to the side of your shirt and walks with you never knowing how to take a step forward always following submitting to the words of the people around her who never gave her anything but a hole in her heart and an ache in the way she moves cause.. nothing seems to be as it was and the meanings that she tracks by the whole reason she goes forward is just a glimmer of hope that she can feel again.. and the world seems like so much more through the innocence of a child who knows no fear or pain.... till mommy and daddy are always fighting and well, your sisters a drug addict who.. wants to be something but can't get out of her hole so she sleeps around to make herself feel better but.. your better then her and yet you are vile to them so why does it matter.....

and it;s quiet here.. so many things have happened here.. and theres so many memories here and you want to overcome the pain of being here.... you want to prove to them you are so much more.. and you want to tell her you're not the one.. who should even be mentioned here cause... your.. just a child here.. trying to make something of yourself trying to overcome the world all alone and you really don;t know how much further you can walk when the pain is streaming through your back and the memories are so strong you can smell the cigerette smoke even if it was a year ago but the smell is so overwhelming it makes you sick and how do you tell them to put it out without admitting you were taken.. and without admitting you are hurting cause you never let them see you cry in fact you hate admitting that you care and you just shrug it off like its nothing.. like you never thought much of it.....

how do you go on pretending.. when you should have probably fallen in love with the man you bed with the man who's been your shoulder to lean on and yet you feel nothing for him he;s just another man just like the last man but gives you reason to believe maybe he's better then the rest and maybe theres more men out there but you can;t seem to feel for him and you find yourself wanting to back away from the pain from the intimate encounters you may have with him and all these excuses keep coming and you're glad to be sick and you're glad to have pain cause you don't want to please him cause you feel like a whore cause you know you don't feel for him and it's just another damn day where the world would play the right cards or you just suck at picking and well you know it's how it's been, but you want to keep him smiling so you cling to his side and show signs of affection like you're bodies thinking you can't live without him but your heads telling you its not the same and your eager to feel what its like to love again but you can't....

and they say your easy to fall for and the boys keep calling.. and your confidence has grown cause you know you're really good looking but your... heart is cold as ice and you breath in the essence of the moments they whisper to you... I think I like you.. I miss you.. and those small signs of affection shown to you make you run and flee and you ignore them but you know that's not right...but its all you know how to do.... throw the bait... and run......

so the cold weather fills you and you feel so lonely like theres no one left to comfort you.. you feel so vile and inhuman but theres nothing for you to do cause this is what you know... you keep pushing forward just a robot programmed to move on no matter how damaged you may be and so your heart is shattered and you're minds a little broken but you keep moving looking for something that might never be but that thought never processes through your head and you keep going forward and forward... further and further.. till you forget what you were searching for to begin with....

what's.. it like to smile.....to you know..curve your lips up... into a smirk.. with the.. glitter in your eyes... cause you feel so bubbly.. and those damned butterflies are well doing what they do best.. you shy away and blush and you feel a little flushed.. you know when you're breaths taken away by that most awesome kiss and you just knew it was then you'd be with him... if.. even for a little while....but... how long has it been since you could say those.. smiles weren't fake.. when you first started to force them letting everyone think your ok? When was it that you decided no one would know the difference but the lack of color in your eyes.. that shine doesn't exist......and the emptiness is apparent cause the life is lacking and the giggles aren't as giggly or lively as they used to be.. and even though you're personality has changed you still feel empty still feel like somethings missing.....

maybe... there is.........

And you look down at the ground and your feet are still planted and you're still in the same place as you were before.... you know that winter before.. when you decided to be a grown up.. and you wander down the road looking for a sign but we all know Gods a fucking liar who likes to play more mind games then the leading player of the town with no remource for the forsaken and your souls just a play thing... so.. you realize it's all the same and you...

just want to go home.. to the nothing that is home to the place of your shitty childhood but it has a warm bed and maybe that what you need...

maybe its what you need....

maybe.....

you need a new road...

As the sleep sets in...

....before the nyquil consumes me.. thoughts run through my head....

I hate feeling so numb... even when Chris holds me.. theres just no point.. and I feel myself clinging to him like a child wanting attention but theres nothing there... I want to feel again... I just keep thinking Texas would be good for me to leave and not look back.. but then I know I lose things.. and I just wish there was more...

Been sick.. tired of being sick.. want to get better and get out there...

been talking to a Dom.. and like much.. I might give him a chance... young and together we can learn.. but I dont know if I can give someone what they want or are looking for considering I'm a little messed up... but for some reason I feel like he can get it out of me...

I'm rambling and I donno.. I think nyquil is bad for you haha....

so much to do.. so little time....

im going to sleep.

Falling apart...

I hate.. when things seem to be ok.. and on track..

then it all falls a part... and your overwhelmed..

I just want something to go right for once...

bought a car.. and now every little thing like breaks...

I can't take it... nor have the money to replace this..

I just.. it sucks.. and noones helping.. I can't do this alone...

I hate this...

and totally..

feel..

Like I'm sufficating..

The world is changing.. so does this little one.

Growing up has never been easy.... and I guess it's been a little different for me.. I suppose... I see my life as it was and the things I do each day change the way the world seems to me.... so here I am... 20 years old.. and still struggling to make something more of myself so I can shove it in my parents face and see I told you, I could be something great.....


I've always been the black sheep.. since I can remember... I was treated different.. and never was the favorite.. but as the second oldest maybe that's how it is..... at 13 I was showing signs of depression... My parents ignored it.. at 14 I spiraled into a full blown depression being completely suicidal and unable to control my emotions....... at this point the schools noticed.... and sent me to the school councilors who told my mother to take me to a therapist.. well, mother was NOT happy with me and screamed at me on the way home that day.. saying it was a cry for attention.. but I knew something was wrong with me........ So I went to the sessions and talked to the shrink.. at this time I had a BF who was in a long distance thing... and to this day I'm surprised he dealt with me......I started cutting at this point.. I just wanted to feel cause I was numb to everyone/thing else... It's almost as if it was a comfort... Till Mom Found out and again I was the most horrible person to her... in her eyes I was a vile little bitch... and she would do nothing more then scream and scream....

I learn to hide a lot of my feelings.. a lot of my emotions from them..... I cut up through freshman year.. to the point someone told and the screaming game again..... this time my papa was in the hospital and mom blamed me for a lot of it... she dragged me there... and screamed at me.. saying is this what you want is death pretty to you? I remember that lingering smell of death.. I remember looking away and wanting to just vomit... Having mom thrust me back around to look.... I wanted to sick to my knees to cry cause I just couldn't breath.. I was a 15 year old girl.. a few months before my 16th year of life and I had to witness my favorite person in the world die... so I made a promise to do what I could to make ME better.. since drugs and no one else would make me better..... soon after leaving Papa died..... and it always lingered on me.. That some how... it was my fault he went that soon... He had pulled through every other time... but this time he didn't..... the doctors had said he should've died long before...... But he pulled through and this time... it was me... till this day.. my heart aches when I think about it..........

I made it through the holidays.. I made it through school.. I moved on.... Was back stabbed and tormented in school... Lost a lot of friends and gained a bunch........ Soon I was dating my Ex....
after I graduated I went to move in with him... It was the first Time Mom said she was proud of me...... I didn't get that for graduation...... So I left and went to start my own life......were I was criticized for everything I ever did... since he was on probabtion We lived with his parents.... which was fine.. till... My hair was exceptable and neither was my weight.... the seven months living there killed me as a person.. I had no confidence.. I was ashamed to be seen in public and I felt bad that Josh was seen with me... I finally broke down one day.. his mother was on me about everything I did.... and mind you while living there I cleaned and cooked.. I helped her with every little thing she ever asked....... I just couldn't take it.. I think thats the hardest I ever cried... I couldn't breath and I remember just calling mom and telling her to get me.. I didn't care.. just come and get me.. please....... so I spent that night packing... and left in the morning when mom got there.... I remember feeling like a failure.. and stayed in the back seat in a daze.... I remember mom saying I wouldn't have a room... and that it wouldnt be fair to take it from my little sister so I was to sleep in the den..... I remember... my family talking.. and seeing Josh a few times.. while home.... I remember him asking me to marry him.. then cheating on me that night... to ultimately dump me on my 19th birthday for my best friend.....

This last year... has been hell.. and struggles for me..... but has been a learning experience and developed me to be who I am....I came out with no self esteem and to the point I was numb and just didn't care... I was wreckless and make mistakes... I didn't care if someone used me.. I didn't care no one wanted me for anything more then sex... I just didn't care.... Till.... I was raped...... then my eyes opened.. and I changed a lot.....dealing with that has been hard...... I have random spurs of crying.. I have random times where I don't want to be touched.. or I panic being touched.....I'm still really numb .... and as sad as it seems sex..is not an intimate thing to me... How can it be when someone can just take it from me? Take that part of me that is supposed to be for the one person I love... Take it and just leave me... like a worthless bitch.. a vile dirty little whore....I was destroyed ...... after that happened it seems kinda blurred... The blade kissed the skin again... taking a pill.. my body having vile reactions.. being sicker then hell... then finding myself in another "relationship" Where the man forced himself on me.. even when I said No and fought and pushed.. even when I cried and screamed.. to the point I gave up..... letting him just take me... cause I knew I never had a say in what happened.... Till I meet Chris....

Chris.. tried so hard to instill in me I am a special wonderful beautiful person......he tried to show me what it was like to be cared for and how I should be treated... He told me it was NOT okay what the people have done to me and NOONE should be allowed to touch me without my permission... but now.. sex is so.. Numb for me.. if feels good.. but it means nothing to me.. and I know this is bad right now.. I want to feel again and I want the rush that wonderful feeling of being flushed and so caring for someone you want to be held and hold them.. and just be so close.. now I can't wait to get away from the person afterwards.. I up and leave and wash up.. and go about my life.. like that never happened......like the most intimate encounter between a man and a women is just like shaking hands.. so much unfeeling.. numbness....

it's been a few months now... since I've opened myself to dating again.... and in this time I found the interest in bdsm... finding myself with Fred... another story and a half...... Finding myself in more and more trouble with my parents.. finding myself more and more unwanted... Because I am me... because I'm doing it all a lone.. because I just want to be me..... So I'm not wanted here.. and I get reminded almost daily by someone how I'm just a burden and not wanted.. or how I take up space..... or how I should just leave......

and I wish I could......but life is interesting... just as I'm sure my thoughts are....

so here I am.. a girl of 20.... I have a car... and One friend....... I have nothing going for me... and I feel so numb I'm not even sure... I can love someone.... I'm afraid.. I'll never give someone what they deserve and I'm afraid I'll never make someone happy...... I'm afraid to trust someone like that.. and I'm afraid to get that close to someone... I was always told I was easy to fall in love with...but I pray they wont...... cause I can't remember how to be that way.... yet I crave that.. I desire to be loved.. to be someones one and only to have someone hold me up when I know I can't stand anymore.. to have someone to just listen to me whine over stupid things and tell me I'm cute... or listen to me and give me advice about the deeper aspects in life......::sighs:: who knows.... maybe one day... I'll be able to love again.. and be loved....

but I guess it's hard for this girl to be loved when it seems not even her parents love her....


Kitten.

I'm this girl..

She's the girl who refuses to cry...
Cause her make up will Run....
who bites her lips and blinks a million times...
not allowing those forsaken tears to even fall.

She's the girl who knows you're lying to her..
But sticks around... Just in case..
somehow you change your mind..
and actually want to care...

She's the girl... who's so intelligent...
but allows herself to be Naive...
pretending like it's not true..
believing every lie you speak.

she's the girl.... who deserves the world...
but only receives... trash...
cause for some reason...
She'll never.. be good enough...

she's the girl...who wishes on shooting stars...
but they never come true..
ever....

she's the girl... who just.. wants to be happy..
~Sammyy Castora

Poem

I feel myself slipping.. fading away.. these smiles are harder to make everyday

I want to be happy I want to be sure.. every day is a battle.. a lifelong war..

I strive to be perfect to be adored..
I admit I'm foolish and should lock those doors..

Move faster.. leave behind..
what I've always wanted to be mine.

its been like this since I can recall.
numb and empty..I just wish to fall...

into a darkness away from the it all..
ignore my emotions I'll curl into a ball..

let me die my feelings are lies..
I just wish... you saw the truth in my eyes...

Dates... <3

It's so awkward..being single for a year.. and then suddenly you find yourself thrust back into the game of love..

so I'm on plenty of Fish, an online dating site, I've made a lot of friends from there but nothing serious and I was fine with that.. because it was just a let's see whats out there, considering without a car I'm limited to meeting people.

well I recently well more or less a week and counting got a message from someone close to me, at first I was offish because he was rather good looking and I tend to get fucked over by those kind. we started talking every night and texting.... and I finally agreed to meet him after he did some recruiting.. since he's in the Army reserves..... so there I meet him in his uniform and I take him to the park just to get to know him..

At first it's a little awkward cause I don't know how to act around guys like him so I just well act like me! we seemed to connect pretty well, we thought a like and made jokes and went off on those never offending either or.. he's interesting and sweet... here and there I got a few sweet comments out of him it was nice.........

We went out to dinner then at steak and shake and talked a little more before he went home to get some rest...

So I wake up today on and off a little sad I didn't get a text from him, my mind wanders so I wonder like does he like me or am I supposed to text him or what.. like I'm going out of my mind so finally I decide to send him a text... and he asked if I had plans I told him no... He came and got me and when he saw me I swear I got a wow.. and it make me uber happy.....we went out to Old Chicago for Dinner and talked some it was nice..... I realized how weird I felt cause the waitress was flirting with him and I was a tad jealous.. why I can't really say but I felt really unattractive for the time being.. he didn't seem to notice but I did and it make me feel shitty... lol I guess it's just me but I don't know why girls do shit like that, like you see he's with someone and yet you're touchy and flirty with him.. it made me mad!!!

Owell we got into the car and sat and talked for a bit.. I smiled a lot.. cause he told me I was one good thing in his life right now.. and it's nice to hear.. you know! Heh I'm cheesy.. owell... Well we went to the park and talked for a few more hours and I almost cried cause I told him how I was tired of the bullshit and tired of the games... and he told me not to worry...

So We shall see.. huh?

Intimate descrision.. I'm not the same?

I can't stop thinking about the changes that are happening.. and sadly.. some are being more forced on me.

I spent the weekend with Chris.. waking on Sunday and taking off with him to see Erin. Once picking her up, we decided to get some eats at Greek City, I've never really had Greek Food but omg! it was amazing.... hehe... once we were feed and happy we decided to go to the few random parks around..... I was in a short skirt, white knee highs boots a top.. braided pigtails and cat ears along with my beloved Collar from Chris. I looked like a little school catgirl... and I got some looks... as we were leaving to go to the other park in brooksville I decided it best to change into my jeans, since the other was a climbling around playground..... so I Stripped in the parking lot throw on some jeans a few smacks to my ass and I was set....

We messed around for a bit.. took some pictures, and Chris Noticed me being awfully flirty with him, which I'm normally not, infact I haven't been really Flirty with anyone lately to be honest, I was picking on him and poking and kicking him playfully and I'm Not like that so it was awkward... We dropped Erin off and it was Just Chris and I talking.... Basically I sorta made up my mind I want to go to Texas, Just waiting on Details from Eve and Victor...we talked a lot about decisions and how he was sorry He couldn't be my boyfriend, and in all honesty I'm not sure I'd like Chris as my Boyfriend.. I love him to death and don't know what to do without him, but I don't think we'd be okay like that...........

::shrugs:: Spent the night with him and the next day we got some food and got my pet Rat...only to have to deal with mom when I got home about having 30days to change my address or get a car and insurance.. ::sighs:: I don't know what to do....

meows.

Birthday disaster....

So I was hoping my first entry would be a tad more upbeat but alas it is not.

So My B-day was January 3rd, I turned 20.. No longer a teenager.. horray?

Well, I went out with Chris at 10pm on the 2nd.. he wanted to try and give me a good birthday and well, the start of it was nice, he kept threatening me with spankings >.> Chris Hits way to hard so it hurts a lot when he spanks so I kept avoiding him haha! at 12 he wished me a Happy Bday and so Did Steve who had called.. I was happy for a while and then I returned home around 1:30... I returned the call to Steve and he wished to spend some time with me since it was my bday and all, well, I agreed to take a cab there since he sold his truck, but the cap was over and hour wait so we talked and when it got close to time I went to sit outside and wait.... well, lets say he was uber late and I was in the cold for about an hour.. and this was one of our coldest nights mind you, when Steve called to ask they said it would be another 20 mins, I broke into tears cause I was just so cold and told him I couldn't wait any longer I was just to cold.

So that cancled I curled into bed and cried and went to sleep.... The beginning of what seems an endless curse for me....

I woke up around 1:3o that afternoon got a rather blah happy birthday from mom and my siblings annoyed me... so I curled into a ball and stayed online most of the day, even if.. half of them forgot my bday le sigh..........

Cake was a five min ordeal... and I hardly got much, but I guess thats life le sigh..... So when everyone left I cried and cried till chris got me and tried to cheer me up some but I was rather bleh...

well as I was depositing money into the bank Chris decided to give me Late birthday smacks.. so 21 right there at the bank.. bet the cameras love that.. haha!

It wasn't the worst, far from the best... but it was horrible...

btw I'm getting a Rat! yey! Kitten shall have a rat !!! mwuahahaha

Meow.. and hello.......

I'm Kitten...

New blog thinger..

Will post and update ^-^ yey!