Misconceptions misguided definitions The desire to break is always that lingering Wall in the back of the mind ready to fall can't it can't hold it all... the intake of emotions without knowing how to deal, the distance in which it makes one go.. to push it all away.. till she breaks... a moment not to soon, the emotions overwhelm and the desire to keep going for a while disinagrates.
The past few days have been nothing more then tears and frustration and more and more trouble and miscommunication.. I've been at my grandmothers for a while...... I house sat for a week and kinda found myself staying here......... during this time a lot happened.. I cut myself off with Chris... basically we are nothing more then friends, no more intimacy because I don't want to be attached.. and because I find myself horrible pissy a lot around him... the main reason is a childhood friend of his or someone he's known forever likes him and the way he talks about her pisses me off....... I knew nothing more would ever be and I know we are not good for each other at all in a relationship.... I know and completely understand that... but for some reason I'm jealous an miserable.. and the time I used to spend with him his now being taken from me.... and I'm mad and frustrated....
we've gotten into several agruments over the course of these couple days to the point I was in tears screaming at him last night to make him understand how I'm feeling.. but it just was useless an I was breaking down.......
I also had to get rid of my Rats last night, and those are my babies I love them sooo much and for once in the broken home of mine I had something that was mine, that relied on me an cared for me.. that I could care for... Mom blew a fit.. and told me to get them out of I was out too...... after me having them for two months... so my birthday present is now Erin's and I'm left with nothing and no one in the lonely home...
Mom also told me basically if I do one more thing she dislikes I'm gone, so at this point I'm not sure how much longer i'll have a place to live.... since nothing I do is ever good enough for her... it never was and never will be.. I'll never make her proud and I'll never make her love me like she loves the other kids.. I understand this... but it still hurts...... She treats them all differently them me... I am the black sheep.. I am the outcast.. and therefor I am the one.. she gives the most hell to.. I am the one who never makes her happy.. who somehow hates her where she got that from I don't know.......... I am the one who goes out of my way to piss her off.... again I donno..... I've done so much I raised to kids basically for her and my sister, I gave up my childhood to help I learned to cook at the age of 12 so I could eat and the kids could eat.... I made dinner for them every night so no one had to cook when they got home it was already done, but still.... nothing I do is good enough...
she gave me two weeks to get a car I did.. all by myself with no fucking help from her or anyone.. I did everything.. I'm doing the fucking best I can.. and I'm tired of her telling me how pathetic an childish I am.... telling my sisters I'll never amount to anything.. I'll just be a pathetic pos for the entirety of my life...........
I hate it home... and I just wish I could leave..... and never, ever look back....
but life isn't a fairy tale...
I learned that... all to young.
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6 comments:
Been right where you are, girlfriend and it sucks hard. Hang in there and don't be afraid to ask others you can trust for help. I'm not close enough to help in any tangible way (like offering you a place to stay, which is what I'd like to do) but call on me whenever you need to.
Remember you are stong and worth it.
I'm also sorry to hear about your guy. It was very brave of you to do what you knew was best no matter how much it hurt. Again, wish I could just hold you cuz words just don't cut it in a time like this. You are loved
Alli, thank you.. it means a lot to me... I keep trying but sometimes it's hard.. I've been "hiding" at my grandmothers since it all happened, shes hardly here and I get alone time but my emotions are all over the place...
I know I'm brave but it hurts like hell.. and I wish I knew why or how to make it better... and its hard to put on a smile and tell him I'm ok.. when I know I'm not.. le sigh.
I spent a lot of time at my grandmother's and aunt's growing up hiding as well. The hurt is unbelievable, I know, but it will pass.
I feel weak for hiding like I should confront things buit I know if I do.. I'll be out on my own >.> with no place to go.. its frustrating...
sighs..
It's true that leaving things undealt with for long periods of time is unhealthy. However, getting yourself away from situations or people that hurt you is necessary.
I know.. but its hard... running seems to be the best thing lately and thats sad... sighs..
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