I sometimes feel.. as if I am not myself.. as if It's like I'm out of body looking on at myself.... the trauma and tragedies that have consumed my life take over my body and make me seem like I am not the one experiencing it...
I don't think I could explain it anymore..... I feel as the time draws nearer and nearer... I'm remembering more, anytime the name "causeway" comes up I cringe and "fade" off.. looking out the window, as it if was that night.. as it it was happening.. again.......
It's almost been a year.. and healing.. is hard... especially when the violation of one.. turned into someone you thought you could trust... continuing.. like it was a nightmare passed on from one to another to eternally destroy.. the girl......
It was almost a year ago when I was raped, a fault of mine for being so careless and pretending like I didn't care what happened to me, and at the time, I really.. didn't....until it happened....then my world and attitude shifted, maybe it was one of those everything happens for a reason "lessons" to get me out of the destructive path I was set on... or maybe it was another sick ploy to amuse this said "God" because he was bored that night.
It was a struggle to get home, a thought of helplessness, and a finally giving in.....and the memories of the night even at this moment are blurry and hard to figure out........I just remember falling out of the truck and sitting in the sand for a moment almost in a zombie like state trying to clean myself of the vile that was poured into my body......... then blanking out.. till I woke the morning next... I was home, I was in bed.. I was in the same clothes as the night before.. I was safe... for the most part.. I was home, but the way there, I don't remember, the conversatation I don't remember, I don't know anything....
so this journal was trigged more so by Chris.. Teasing me that I had multiple personalities.. and as he meant it for a joke.. I kinda sat back a little and stared at him, saying.."maybe you're right."
Another look from him and the conversatation was over... before it even began... but it stuck in my head... could this explain why I don't remember half the events the people, the feelings the things.... that's happened in my life.. infact if I didn't write half it down.. I wouldn't remember shit. Could it be that I go away and someone else takes over? It's funny to think about.. it's funny to try and think about it.. I just am not sure..
so as the days draw closer, and the memories are more vivid.. I wonder if I'll be o k .
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6 comments:
I don't know what happened, but I know this -
it was not
NOT
your fault.
I do have Dissociative Identity Disorder, which used to be called multiple personalities disorder. Ask me any questions you want.
You will be ok. Hang in there. Hang on.
I don't know... it's weird and I tried to explain it best I could.. ::shrugs:: sometimes it feels like it was...
and I'm the only one to blame...
Hey kitten I am not a thearipist or any of that but I have been to plenty of them. And as far as the not remembering it could be what you think but at the same time it could also be what the doctors told me. Our minds actually block out things that they know we couldnt handle. very traumatic events in our lifes can be forgotten like that because the knowing would overpower us. I was told this when I was in the hospital and just been through a very traumatic situation that I couldnt remember anything from the point that I was picked up to the point that I was in the bathroom with the paramedics and they were cleaning blood off me I dont remember anything in between that time and they told me that I was conscious and that my mind blocked it out. I was later told in theraphyy that there could be a time in my life when my mind will remember I could be doing something normal and something will trigger the memory. Its kind of scary to think about but at the same time that was 8 years ago and to this day I havent a clue what happened that night. I was going to go under hypnosis but since it wouldnt hold up in court and I really dont think I want to know I havent. I know it is hard and times get rough and each of us have had different experiences and have different ways of handling the but one thing we all have in common is we are strong and we are healing we are surviours however we did it we did make it through and we are healing more and more with every new day and with every time we can open up and get it out. I dont know you but I can kind of feel your pain and I feel somewhat connected to you in a way. take care and be strong it does get easier.
Kitten no matter what the circumstances it wasnt your fault. I know it feels that way the if I only type things if I didnt do this or that or if I had only. but the bottom line is it wasnt your fault. Rape is the most horrible way a person can violate someone and no one can ever ask or deseeve it ever.
Thank you cookie... It means a lot to me... :nods: and I'm glad you feel that way towards me just helps me know I have one more person who cares about me..
thanks <3
You did a great job explaining. Keep going. I will listen
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